I think to myself - what am I planning for myself

I think to myself

what is it that I've done

what is it that I've achieved

I think to myself

what is it that I dream

that I want

that I desire

that I Can do

what is it tha t I Can do???

I think to myself

what do I mean

how much can I succeed

when can I reach my goals

I think to myself

how much have I lost

given away

how much have I forgotten

like amnesia

how much have I forgotten

I think to myself

why have I done this to myself

been mean to myself

been a stranger with myself

been unfair to myself

been unkind

if I am like this, the most intimate person with myself

then how can i expect others to be good to me

I think to myself

how intimate can i be

how sensual can i be

how fulfilling

how passionate

i think

what does passion mean to me

is it kissing

or is it more than t hat

much much more than that

deeper relationships more than that

i think to myself

why have i placed all this pressure on me

all this ugly pressure on me

by me!

why force myself like this

why all the lack of trust

trust to be beautiful

trust to be kind

trust to be the one

i Think to myself

who is that i want to attract

truly ,

who is it that i want to attract

the more questions i ask

the more the layers peel back

of regret

of dissapointment

of honesty

of deep criticism

i think to myself

who is that i want to make proud

what is it that i want to hear

and see

and be

i think to myself

what do words mean to me

what is it that i want to write

i think to myself

are my prayers answered

if not what could be stopping them

but my prayers have been answered

so i think to myself

why would god love me and save me

when i am so arrogant?

i think to myself

i have treated god like a betrayed lover

he has done nothing but love m e protect me

save me

look out for me

heal me

give me options

give me freedom

give me thoughts

good thoughts

good memories

good times

beautiful country

beautiful family

he has give me faith

without faith i would have been nothing

he has given me the love for faith

the love for being good

and i

i think to myself what have i given god?

lies

depression

distrust

deception

failure

wasted time

wasted smiles

heavy burdens

weak heart

lustful soul

broken thoughts

recently i have been nothing but the last three

weak heart

lustful soul

broken thoughts

entangled and tangled within each other

until i am a viscious cycle of tears

and fears

and ... nothing

i htink to myself

i have brought myself to nothing

i have brought myself to a crossroads

like i ve passed it over and over always taking the wrong junction

i always take the one that seems better

easy

wonderful

sick with love?/

love ?

no lvoe is not the word

love is too gentle and pure for here

sick with pain

i think to myself

why this raod all the time

why this junction always

dont i know i will go down it and turn and turn and turn until i come back to start of the end

again and again

/?

i think to myself

just looking beyond

there is another road

it look smoother and softer

peaceful and wild at the same time

it looks fulfilling

and smart

worthwhile and gloriously loving

if i walk on it

it has the love i want

th elove forever

the love that last beyone eras and worlds

the love that never dies

the love that i search for

the love that i pray for

over and over again

( to be continued)

that love cannot begin unless I unlock it within me

i think to myself where is the key?