untitled mess

God
I can't believe I chose the wrong option
I chose the one that makes me unhappy and that makes my parents unhappy


It's as if I gave my life to the wrong person
and invisible terrible feeling now haunts
its like on one hand i have everything every woman can aspire or dream of
and on the other hand I have nothing


So i choose nothing
I choose to stay home
I choose to be confused


and then confuse my parents
confuse myself
confuse others
like my heart my soul my time my memories


I think to myself I Want this and that and this and that all in 2 months
or less
and I want all the future to come to me
while i dont do anything
i just want to bake and wait for it


and then i think to myself I want to do everything I possibly can to be true to myself
I want to suceed and fulfill my destiny
MY destiny
the one that only includes me and my dreams
and not what other people want of me or what even I want of me
I know that sounds contradicting
but it does make sense

sometimes even I defect myself
wanting too much
asking too much
is tiring
and confusing
and depressing

if i stop that
and just do
what
I can
and what I want
without entries from other places