Never, have I tried to love myself

Broken by myself

I feel tormented as each cell inside me breaks into pieces unable to stay solid beyond the secrets of time

their thudders blast onto the floor of heartless memories, stories shattering the intensity of my strength into useless comedy

I suddenly cannot control how many breaks or when they happen

I cannot control the pain or the sharpness of my restlessness

I cannot control how many mistakes I do or why I do them

and worse

I cannot control my conscience

I cannot control my conscience

Do you know what that means?

it means living as if your life is a waste of cruelty

it means letting everything you own inside and out --- out

it means hearing silence everytime you try to think, or breathe.. or scream

broken by myself

I hide the intentions of misery

I try and stay alone

I want to take it all on my shoulders

isnt that breaking?

what will be the result?

will I be this weak all the time

will i never find the solution

will I ever know what to do

how can I be calm?

No really....

How can I be calm

How can I wake up in the morning encircling myself with todays beautiful rythym i have created

walking around in particles of sunshine warming my feelings into a refreshing day

eating and drinking to revive those cells to survive happily

trusting the nourshment i give for I want to give delight to myself

working for the nation of my mind , improving the quality of anything I can be

not what someone wants me to be

or begs me to do

or keeps asking me everyday for they can see that I am not ...working

sleeping to break barriers and enter harmony

knowing that me and my soul are connected no matter where I go

no matter where I close my eyes

when I sleep
I wish I knew that my soul 'wants ' to come back

for I have favored it above anything in this world

and in doing that I have given it to faith

but

my soul 'has ' to come back

that is the way I am breaking myself

no relationship of anything will live forever

I try and blame it on others

I try and place the anger on others

I try and hide from others

Ive never tried to confront myself

Ive never tried to love myself

Always

Always looking for it

begging for it

breaking myself for it

BUT

never

ever

have I tried to love myself