untitled morning

If you were a stranger reading my affections you would think I was a warm affectionate woman wih lack of reason except for silly passion and violent love

but in reality all I am is a lost ugly woman, dissatisfied with the world and everything in it
for the pleasures in contradiction exceed my knowledge and superiority to do wrong
I am ill with pain and mistakes failing everytime to reason with the consequence of my attidudes to play with the misfortunes of impatience I am urged to delight in disgrace and face the problem the next morning
for in the wilderness of my emotions and the trepidations of my devotions i feel nothing but lack of hope
I have no hope anymore for someone or something to go right
I feel like I have become a hopeless creature with no control over sanity or any amenities against a fair and pleasant faith - rather i cannot dispose of my wicked disagreeable conquest of lies - the truth when told is very grand indeed
there is no way i can bare to think the suffering of disastrous sentences and illiterate meanings opening our family chains of wondrous strength
I pardon myself to take ability and try the ill favour of managing the time myself - alone for help in this criteria asks for nothing
yet I am finding out each day that I am too weak and disfortunate to part take in this secret, I have discovered that everyday it gets bigger and stronger for me to handle
everyday it grabs a hold of an alive chapter in me and darkens the world
everyday it blocks my future farther in the past
everyday it takes me places I wish to not go
everyday I am withheld by the proposals of my sadness
for the truth when told, makes the rest a lie
I am engaged with getting engaged with solid maddening findings
as if I did not know what everything meant
but i confess
I do not know what everything means
why is it so
why it is a hidden catastrophe coming about everywhere i think and do
so tell me pray
how can i think and do when my mind is only flavoured with discouragement and dissatisfaction with the world and everything in it

________________the above can be translated into

I have a secret I cannot tell anyone. It is not about me, rather about a family waiting to be brokwn - I imagine everyday the chains and drains that family would have to endure if a secret ever came out - I know - I heard -I even saw - so
I must keep the pain and truth behind the future everyday in the hope that it will never come out
for if it did
i do not know what would happen - or rather I dare to say if what i thought of did happen i think my life would disintegrate
and so in keeping this secret I am chained
I am suffocating
i am magnified by ill treasure
I am tired of my mistakes and failures
i am ashamed of my lack of responsibilty and fair attempt to try challenges
i am dissapointed at everything I do and everything I am
I am utterly and completely broken