I never usually 30

Hope, Is that romantic to you?

She screeched into my heart, briskly undertaking the information of reality, as if I didn't know reality and how I felt, her solid nature dulled my life for a minute, as her words encapsulated mme into small things - I wanted big things... very big things...

so it only took me less than a minute to answer

...That is so romantic to me... you don't even know...in fact.. I just learn from that and i want to create more...I want to create better

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2 weeks ago delving into the resquing position, i threw a rope to my heart and body that fell over the edge of a cliff a long time ago

dead, i presumed, I held my position until my life began to come back

i saw myself breathing again, feeling again, truly understanding again

and then came a blizzard of denial again... my hands got weak

the rope got heavy again

I tried..I have tried

but instead of pulling up, i am pulling down again...

you see sometimes, i think like open stars in my closet, glistening when i dream at night, blinding all the devils and trauma away

and when i wake up

the sun still has not come up and i can see the merging of night and day, birds singing and all, songs attribute to the waking of my soul, for i pray on time, and i eat on time and i drink on time

cardemon tea hot to my memoires, it wakes me gladly for my body is engined to fuel correctly -

I know,,, that the time is right again - for this is where i need to be , and this is what is set out for me...perfect...very perfect

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BUT

i want to jump time even if its dangerous, even if its embarassing and sickening and hurtful

even if i know that it is wrong

so i am stuck watching a closed door closed for years

years & years

i know that , when the time is right that door will open for me

yet, i am still insisting stubbornly to wait

to hang up all the other things and wait

for what?

for something god will give me or choose not to give me

for things in my life that can happen or not happen

that are made for me and i cannot change them

except pray for them

and deserve them

I am wrong

I am very wrong

I am acting like a ...spoiled ill position blind illiterate drama

I can't hear, i cant see, i cant understand, that i am being changed

to someone wrong

to something wrong

agonies

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I have a lot of dreams

I have a lot of love

I have a lot of imagination

I have a lot of mistakes

I have a lot of dreams

I have a lot of romance

I have a lot of kindness

I have a lot of madness

I have a lot of differences

I have a lot of time

I have a lot of agonies

I have a lot of fears

I have a lot of tears

I have a lot of things i don't know

I have a lot of things I want to know

I have a lot of temptation

I have a lot of desire to ask for

I have a lot of things I want to ask for

I have a lot to give

I have a lot I regret

I have a lot that I suspect

I have a lot I want to forget

but most importantly

...I have a lot of my life that I still have not met

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Look at this picture:

I dream of egyptian satin covering my glowing skin of sand fruits and visiting waters of an egyptian sunset glittering the beginnings of a new love story, a strong love story, a creative love story, a proud love story, asking to be tendered and wondered by its makers, now there is nothing wrong, today everything is here and for you to love... moons of honey breaking the time of kings... eating sweet things and feeling like a queen amidst the giza landlife of triangular romance--or alxendrian secrets, or sharm magnets of conenction or.... gold

gold sunsets and flying kites...i see no fences between this growing beauty into this corner of the world

dusk sits and trees wave hello here and there to love

balconies interlace with heaven and flowers look beautiful

the queit... is intense with agonising dreams

it is a place i could trace with my fingers touching its scent of dreams

Dahab...gold