I am...Deserving this..truly

God do I understand
I understand
A difficult mind – useless and abused, fallen
The revenge ...of the fallen
I fall endlessly jealous and over whelmed by misunderstanding
I didn’t want this
I wanted strength
But when I look back
I was not strong
I was not fit and strong
I was not healthy
I was not...proud and confident of whom I was
I was broken
And I was ...ill
I am... ill with all these trepidations
I laugh..I don’t even know why
Like what I do now
I make assumptions
I think of ideas and make them happen as if they were
But in reality life can be different
Can be different
Iam..ill
Thinking about things that did not happen
That may not happen
That may be right
I feel ashamed that I am abusing myself like this
I feel ashamed that I am not ...myself
I am ... ill
And need to be healed