Memoirs of a Sudanese Breath

severely pretending

2012-01-31T03:43:00.000-08:00

bewildered by a strange state of mind
lost int ranslation lost then I find
my thoughts broken into a thousand spaces
and my wants stretched in a million places
simply possibly it cannot be
I will lose out
on the desires of success
and retire in mess

Ya lama hina ya lama hina

what is it exactly that i want to become

do i want to be smartest girl in the world?
do i want to be the sweetest girl in the world?
Do I want to be the most faithful girl in the world?
Do i want to be the most romantic?
Or do i want to be the most desired/
Or do I want all of them?

if I want all of them I must have all of them not pretend!
and right now I am severely pretending
crazily attending to my every loss
come here
and sit down
and do not go anywhere
but your viscious weakness

come here stay down
and never get up to reach out to success
but i can be successful
I can be beautiful
and clever
and romantic
and determined
and sweet
and unfevered
all at the same time

I can do it all
without severely pretending

...........................

I am dreaming of how I would look

2012-01-30T06:28:00.000-08:00

I should be in a lecture ...please forgive me God
but instead I
am dreaming of my wedding day
im dreaming of a man who can show me a different exposure to love and life
Im dreaming of a day my day where my dress is pearled with dreams coming alive
Its ivory its gold its beautifully designed its vapoured with satin sandal and musk its divine
I
dream of his eyes
I draw his outline and I know how I want to feel
....In love.......

En Route to..... new poetry

2012-01-29T15:25:00.000-08:00

i no longer am employed by heartbreak company

I no longer write images of fantasy
i write beauty
I write images of mytrust within myself
I write how a simple piano sog makes me and breaks me
I write how even though my dreams are large I am large enough to fill them
I write how God can turn me or break me but I will only believe that he will turn my future around and save me
I write how sudan is my home and I am its friend therefore it will help me
I am lavish enough
strong enough good enough
to deserve forgiveness
I deserve an image of myself that is happy and sound
passing life freely and with all the things I need and want

Ya Rab here I am today dreaming of aday where normally I am sad and unwisely fearful
sad and think that I am so far away
but today my writing writes
I am close closerthan i think
and iwth everyday that passes I love you more Ya Rab and I wish that you forgive me and help me becomethe woman you created me to become
I wish that you let me deserve that love I am looking for
I dont know what it looks like or feels like
and I open foryour suggestion ya allah
all i know is I am fresh
and new for it
I am unique to it
I will spen my time reserveing love for the man you give me
the one you intend to cross my heart with
and I wll not fail to show you that i am deserving of that match

Ya Rab
I asky ou to help me
direct me and teach and help me spend my days wisely controllably freely
Ya rAb I realise I have yet a lot to learn in loving you and that is true love
I have betrayed you and become unfaithful
trading u with other things
changing you with other images in my mind

and here I am today in total belief that you will take me back and give me your blessing
Ya Rab

Long lost dream 3

2012-01-29T11:09:00.000-08:00

no more heartbreak

no more pain

no more destruction

and words in vain

i no longer run but stay here like a queen

i no longer fight except fight for whats right

No more words of sadnessa nd waste of time

no more giving up what is truly mine

no more anger no more despair

just health and healthy repair

no more anguish of good old dreams

just the future of a beautiful day

a new day

a day where i pass

a day where i pass life

and eternity

no more facebook

no more retiring in the worst part of me

no more of invisibility

i leave you behind the ugly in me

and take a new step on a new train

.......one that i missed... along time ago/......

13-5.5

2012-01-29T03:26:00.001-08:00

I realise a pattern
everytime i become strong
something tries to push me down
everytime i become happy
something tries to make me sad
everytime i try and think of myself a success
something alwaystriesto make think of myself as a failure

but not this time/////

A long lost dream 2

2012-01-28T15:39:00.000-08:00

Today I was reminded of an old dream. One that may have started my writing . The reason I wrote a poem or the reason i felt loving emotions. The reason I am here today writing liket his was all this dream that started a long time ago... I still remember the notebooks , the scenes going on in my mind... the flavour of them. they were beautiful to me... they meant everything to me...and suddenly it started dissappearing I changed
I did not deserve the beautiful dream anymore
it did not light within me anymore slowly and slowly it removed itself until i no longer ached for it instead new things came to mind and the beauty of my dream died

and today i met a woman who reminded me of the old me the one ive been searching for that part of me that hid after my old dream parted I was reminded why i had that dream i said it i once used to dream ............and I felt lost in space almost taken back to a moment when everything was right simple and elegant again

and it made me think
what really iis my favourite love story?

A long lost dream 1

2012-01-28T15:27:00.000-08:00

I have tremendous courage
I have no fear but from God
but this is because im prepared for the expected
and for the unexpected
I feel dangerously reminded
I feel I have done explosively wrong
but God forgives
and not believing that is a sin
I am tired of being explosive
I desire to be .....a long lost dream

I am a beautiful woman
I agree with body and language and
have a confidence that is pure and elegant
sometimes funny and proud
but certainly strong

I am a strong woman

I am a great woman
one who deserves the best

I always ask myself

what is my favourite love story?
The notebook?
Asi and Demir
The sultan and Hoyam?
Ibrahim and Khadija
Tristan & Isolde?
Jalil aldeen and Jodha Akbar?
Bond?
A sudanese wedding?
Sila & jowdat?
Penelope
Lesley & Scott?
havana nights?
Brian and Mia
Waleed and Laila
this random italian series
and many many many more

I stop and try and remember all the hours Ive spent watching love
extracting what I want
what i think

now that is love
I want this
I want to feel that

but wait a minute
I dont know how it feels
and wait a minute

I still havent answered the question
what is my favourite love story?

_________________________________________________________________________

crossroads

2012-01-28T01:22:00.000-08:00

another day comes like today

and im at a big crossroads in my life

I may either pass or fail

but I will not surrender

good things come to good people

2012-01-26T16:43:00.000-08:00

Al Sultana Khadija
Is a woman I aspire to be
She is calm sensual good
beautiful
patient

all talents I do not have
her name is strong
she always means well
never harmed
so cannot beharmed
she is sweet
subtle
gentle
kind
shy

all things I do not have
she is religious
emotional but truthfully
never a lie
she is a woman who got what she wanted
because she deserved the best
everyone saw her as a woman who deserved the best

Alsultana Khadija
beloved and eternal

I aspire to be

the sultanate of a good heart like hers

one month

2012-01-25T16:29:00.000-08:00

It is one month until my birthday where am I?

and how do I feel ?

old with misery and mistakes

old with battles that I never needed to take

wars that I never needed to gage

tears that never needed to fall

pain that didnt have to be felt

power that could have been kept

shame that could have been spent

love that could have been saved

Nile Lonely

2012-01-25T16:23:00.001-08:00

I love this song

cancel each other out

2012-01-25T14:00:00.000-08:00

Here I am......in a war of time and balance
feeling like all my words have failed me andbetrayed me
fr I am unsheltered and broken

I feel like I have all the reasons of impurity and sadness by my side
suddenly my writing decieves me and weakens me
I feel embarrassed from all ive written

suddnly i think what is this
what have i done
where have i been gone
why am I like this
soooo impatient

I want to scream

I want to get lost in a paradise far far away
where I dont know about anything and they dont know about me
I want to be in a place where I am sheltered with peace and no worry
just praying to god
just remembering he is the only thing close to me
between these rocks and water
between these sands and distance
I wish I knew a place like that in my mind
where I would find heaven inside
and deep within
and feel free from sin
and extra thoughts
and loose promises
and untied results

I wish I wasbetter
cleaner
smarter
more talanted
more patient
stronger
wiser
happier

I am unhappy because
I am stretched in a million ways
I want this
but I also want to be that
I want to go right but I want to stay left
I want to live here but I also want to live there
I want to know t his but i want to knwo that
I want to love this but I want to love that
I want to do this but I want to do that
I realise
im living in a world where all I do is want
I just want and want and want and want
I enver get because all my wants cancel each other out

i dont want to cancel my wants no more
there is an important thing i need to do to achieve my monthly discovery
YA RAB
a monthly discovery is important to me
please do not let me fail never mind fail the first one ............
Ya RAB

Feeling like a failure

2012-01-25T07:29:00.000-08:00

I do not want to remember
I do not want to surrender
Iwant to pass my life
pass my tests
with great marks
I want to win
iwant to challenge myself and become the great mysterious the great universal
I want to defend my territories
of ove and courage
for 5 minutes I want to blend a life worth living with the life that Im having
I Want to feel my eyes call me to the right picture
the perfect movie

or the perfect night
cobblestone walkways
and untold fairytales lie
the moon presents with a smile in its eye

for us

I want to not be nervous and engage myself in true honesty
Why have I forgotten who I am waht my faith is/
I feel undeniably old
and big
until I let people laugh at it
I deserve it
and I do not deny it
that I deserve to be laughed at

but I will not surrender
ever

I want to create new things but they must be good they must be good

a new piece of words

2012-01-23T14:33:00.000-08:00

There is a point in existence where I will meet you - you the guy that I insist on having on wanting on desiring you will be totally filled with flaws but i will love you because you make things right with you love is true and love is a fight for winning
There is a day like today when I have hope when I have your eyes to melt into even though I do not see them i know they are there and this is
not
heartbreak poetry
for years I am 'experienced' in heartbreak writing
typing adn typing the words heart and broken together
like they were meant for each other
but not today today there is a chance for me
for you
for you to........
well i leave this space blank for you..............................

and everyday I will open a new place for you
until i have enough hope to regain you
and enough time to explain to you
how much everything was meant to be ...beautiful like real love

untitled clarity

2012-01-23T11:10:00.000-08:00

today is a better day...
is a clearer morning and a lighter evening
today I am one step closer to my goals
I am one step further from my mistakes
I am not tired....and I do not want to give up
I am in control of my day

Echoes in my mind_ (Please heal me)

2012-01-22T13:04:00.000-08:00

I want to find a surreal place and call it home
never have to leave
never have to cry
I want to find a magic song and call it perfect
never get bored from it never recover from its intensity

I want to find my good self and make it shine
always polish it and let it be mine
and mine aone

I want to find a cool breeze and let it transform me
I want to sit in a hidden forest and feel safe

I want to stare at a beautiful image and know I am the beautiful
I want to love in a moment in time and know I am the reason for love

I want to be calm
I want to be happy
I want to be the reason for someones call
to change their tracks
and walk this way for ever after....................

I cannot show you ....ever

2012-01-22T12:54:00.000-08:00

ths blog is my diary
or is it my tragedy
i never write for others
i purely write for myself
I dont know do I write to live or do I write to die

I once wrote I hated writing
for writing gave me a freedom I was too afraid of
I could say how I feel and what I feel is dangerous
words encapsulate me like destiny

I never write for others
in fact people wouldnt know what Im saying
I write so fast I make spelling mistakes
like my life mistakes
im thinking ever so fast
but im thinking about all the wrong things

Im afraid of writing
Im afraid of showing my feelings to anyone
even I cannot understand who I am
even I cannot imagine what I am
if i had to write to you
I would say........

Please do not judge by what you do not know

if I had to write to you
I would say
I am the woman you do not know
I am mysterious but all forgotten but all hidden

I have no diary about my life
just my emotions and devotion to the wrong the right
the true and the false
the magic and the tragic
this is a tragic diary
like a bad car accident

or a terrible nightmare
but it holds me like I can never let go
for I write my despair
I write trying to repair broken ideas
I write before I can forget forgotten memories
so they are engraved in this sadness
in this madness
I call

lost under control

I am really a lost woman seemingly under control
I have no control over desire or what I dream about
and so until I find the answer
I will remain to be lost in this valley of words
in these words like swords
they bleed me always to continue..........trying to heal

my ring, my faith

2012-01-22T05:06:00.000-08:00

ya allah
ihave lost you
I cannot remember you
my passion for you has withered
my passion for you has dissappeared
ya allah my love for you has been eliminated out of the game

Ya allah I miss you

I want you back
like a beautiful relationship lost
I am the discoverer I have lst it all having an affair with some other desire

Ya allah I realise you are the only one i need
I am so selfish now
I have done so wrong
but I just want you now

Y a allah I am here
see me
I do not deserve to even speak your name
to even be your servant
to even have this diamond of faith I am still wearing

but it is not longer shining
my beautiful ring
it once used to shine my way
and give me direction in the darkest of hours
and now
I look at it and it is lifeless
dull just a block of stone

my ring, my faith , i have it but i cannot see it
i cannot elaborate on it

I am embarrassed ya allah
i am so far away ya allah
i am the one who has just seen the signpost
hell - arrow - this way -
and i havecontinued walking

and now another sign post
hell - arrow - this way - getting closer

I am the woman looking at the signpost in the middle of a dry desert thirsty and chained , bleeding and tired looking at this sign looking at my black ring of dull faith
...................

13-4.5

2012-01-22T04:26:00.000-08:00

I cannote count no more
I cannot ....................

put down the sword 2

2012-01-22T04:20:00.000-08:00

The battle is over the war has been done

the challenge of destruction is now gone

She lets the sword fall it makes a cling

her hair moves softly to the lessons of the wind

no noise is heard no breath moves

her eyes watch closely to the methods of truce

turn around and walk away

you are the only life here you cannot stay

she knows feelings have died for her

she knows emotions have cried for her

she knows the nights have fallen for her

she knows the sun has waken for .... her

and so she glistens to the sharpness of life
no more blood can be shed forever
no more fear can conquer this weather
nobody can make me ..... cry again

Put down the sword 1

2012-01-22T03:59:00.000-08:00

it only takes one enzyme to be deficient for your life to be severely disabled.....

frightening words

it only takes one thought to be deficient for your life to be severely disable
one dream to be absent
one fear to be gone for you to be deficient from life

it only takes one morning for you to realise how badly youve done
how long youve been gone

it only takes a nightmare for you to scream
and wake up

it only takes a decision for you to become..... a new dream
it only takes forever until you see the truth
the truth which you already know
it only takes a memory then for you to cry
for you to wish you can die and start all over again

it only takes one vision to be deficent for your conquest to be severely disrupted
for your successes to be severelyi nterrupted
it only takes one hole for your body to sink
it only takes one weakness for your life to think........
oh how strong I was to go to hell
oh how good I was to meet this fire
oh how tired I am from this attire............

of hell inside me
of fire burning raging within me
of drama living my hours
of smoke invading my breath
of burn destroying my youth
of jealousy killing all I choose

to be
oh how I wish for a new day
where Ic an forgive myself
where I do not need to torment myself
and interrogatemyself
oh how I wish for a new day
with love inside me
and joy around me
and hope surrounding me

oh how I wish I was a better woman
a cleaner woman
a wiser stronger vision
for myself
oh how I wish i could forget the sadness
i could forget the excessive humiliation I always feel

oh how i wish I could love myself
for this is the true love I wish
if someone ver read any of whatI write
they might think I have loved and been loved a million times

but the truth is I have never been loved
and I have never loved ....

and the worst part of it all is I have never been able to love myself
i have never been able to take advantage of whoI am today instaed
of dreaming of tomorow

if i forgot today i would have nothing to remember any way
if I died today
there was nothing i lived for anyway
if i cried today
i would probably cry again tomorow

oh how I wish i did it all right
how i Wish i asked forgiveness and received it first from deep inside my heart
second from god
third form the world that I let hit me

oh how I wish i could smile from deep inside me and hate nothing around me
and close my eyes and open them and still find the same thing I want

oh how i wish I dream no more
how I wish I live for myself
for this battle is over this war is done.....................

I cannot sleep tonight

2012-01-21T17:37:00.000-08:00

I cant sleep I feel sick with torment about whats right and wrong
about what is beautiful and what is ugly
what is mine and what Is not
what i deserve and what I can have
I cant sleep i feel jealous
selfish unlimited with mistakes
I cannot sleep I want to stretch myself until i become invisible
even the closest to me want to make me invisibel
i do not blame them
for I am only expanding
and my dreams are dying
I
am in
pain
my body hurts
my mind cannot sleep
and my mistakes are only getting bigger

I cannot sleep I want what I want
and I need what I want to tell me it is willing to give me another chance
here i am in 2012
and all i have ts the chance to never letgo
the chance to reduce
the chanceto reducethe misery and become another woman
a woman with meaningful eyes
with beautiful hair
and a red dress......
how I wish for a red dress with gold pearls
and green beads with white satin
and a simple night like tonight with complex emotion and beautiful feelings to tame me
for I am the wild horse that cannot stop running and I am tired
and I am going to die if I do not stop and rest
if I do not stop and tihnk
where it is I am going
what direction do I want to run
and do I really have to run

i must drink some water and rest ....I must drink some water and rest..................

The undeniable truth_Green Pearls & Red Satin

2012-01-21T16:20:00.000-08:00

I am so ashamed
I cannot breathe
I cannot think
I cannot be
the right thing
ever
and I have lost that forever

i always thought i wanted lust i wanted desire passion yearning lack of control temptation in the surrender of everything else
i would die for this i said
I would go mad for this i said
i would fight for this until the end i said
Iwould even give up waht I believed for ...for this I said
and I agreed with every thought in my being
and then.....
a story comes along and shows me what I really want
what my heart really is in pain for
what I really want to watch
what I really want to eat
what I really want to feel
what I Really want to do

i dont want a love fit for a king
i dont want treasures or fantasy

I just want to thank god for giving me the right person
tonight god did a good thing for me even though i have continued to do bad for him
he helped even though i dont deserve it
he protected my family even though i undenyably put them in danger
today god helped me
and showed me what it is I really want
what it is i really want...........

I used to mock them
i used to laugh at them
think their letters and napkins were just silly
ha ha ha
! ha.............. ha!!!!
look at real love learn from them I said
kissing and tasting and touching and words soooooo hypnotising thats real love thats true love that s.........

I used to laugh at them and skip their beat
i used to think whatever move on

and now the joke is on me
they won
and I lost
they showed me what they have is whats true and right
and what is true and right always wins
always always wins

He walks into the room after a long long journey
she cant feel her knees as she has walked the same
no wrods are spoken the silence is unbroken
but the language they hear is violent
she can hear him say
Ive been dreaming of this day for so long
he can hear her say
I love you I love you I love you
everything is right everything is perfect
everything
is
correct
I cannot fault it
my everlasting pain actually ceases for a little while
because for a little while I see what it is I want
right in front of my eyes.....
for a little while I can find it
this is what I want
I could show it to myself
and i can let my soul my bleeding soul understand
what it is im looking for ..............

His greens and her reds merge in the softness of honesty
her eyes blend with her true emotion
his love soars as the nearness of her beauty reveals
her eyes follow him
his breath gets sharper
their love is larger....... than I ever imagined.................

i cannot control myself

2012-01-19T03:58:00.000-08:00

Obsession is a pure desire taking energy from everything you are so youcan remain with its deep and darkest offense to hold you
you do not care about anything else
want anything else
you could forget food and drink and eduction or even family
just to be with what your eyes have been seduced by

seduction a beautiful word that can be romanticised and beautified but can be accidentally monstrous. unable to have a balance seducive eyes can topple you over the edge , break you, or make you better or stronger, when you are really weaker and shattered. seduction the eye cannot see but feel the soul reaches to sustain the mind can no longer breathe without this ruling desire i have for you

desire the word that steals kings, makes queens, kills unstoppable uncontrollable attention to the great fury of touch and taste - there is no other there is no one that can do this to me but you I desire nothing but to watch you sleep to hear your voice to touch your face to have you under my control

control a word where kept you gain the good side of the world and when lost you lose yourself - control the test of all eternity the test of time challenging your every obsession seduction desire and need icannot control myself and so i have lost myself......................

Black Pearls & Satin 3_ Jealousy Kills

2012-01-18T16:11:00.000-08:00

They fight and kill

for love and passion

there is no luck here

just agony and plans

just dancing

I desire it to be easy

yet stronger than the fight for a king

I desire it to be holy

the passion for god

I desire it to be meaningful

and trustworthy

my ring

and my necklace

and my eyes that mesmerise him

our children

our mornings

our nights

and our lustful love

no corridors in btween

no stairs to climb

no fights to win

..................

I desire him to be mine alone

and mine alone

_____________

I desire him to fight for me

demand

wnat only me

I desire him

and yet

all I find myself doing is being the loser

crying to win

.............................

Tell me........that I'm right

2012-01-18T13:01:00.001-08:00

I wrote this for a guy who does not know I exist..... and even though I know I'm only hurting myself, a part of me just wants to write......... always for him.

I am lost for words, lost for an image, lost for a way to speak to you,to find you...... oceans, countries, people, everything seperates us.... and while you are far away in your own land you still look at the same stars as me, speak the same language as me, read the same words as me.....but you do not know me.....and I .....close my eyes and imagine life with you... and then something happens to me you are so much closer....I just want to find you, to hear your voice... to see what your eyes might say but I am afraid you would misunderstand me you would minature me..... you might even laugh...... your world grabs my attention like an amazing movie I do not want to stop watching....your words tell me a heartbeat i never want to stop feeling.. your place attracts my every imagination..... I see it like the perfect puzzle but all the pieces are missing...except the piece where i cannot stop thinking about you. I once wrote I couldnt bare a rejection from a man that I love...there is one thing wrong with that sentence..... i have already bared a rejection from a man that I love.............

piece of advice

2012-01-18T12:56:00.000-08:00

IF you are great but you can be greater

Do not hesitate

a sudanese drama......in real life (POW)

2012-01-18T12:22:00.000-08:00

I see a dream in a picture I want to recall
the place the memory but I stumble and fall
for I am an intruder into a place I desire
for I can only imagine their love is like fire

I do not know I do not know
but I do see henna flowers bouncing on a new page
I see magnified cells of dantella waving new margins
I feel a touch beginning a new story
Isee gardens of romance cornering the dancefloor

he holds her near and she hold him nearer
she stares into his eyes and he stares into hers farther
he brings her close and she brings him closer
she smiles today but he smiles wider

I see a dream in a picture I used to dream
forever and ever I intrude in a foreign trip
and I slip always
by an illusion of destiny

like his beautiful black and her beautiful white
like his zoom into love
and his flash into care
and his clp of eternity
and his change of colour to drive the unknown
into discovery.........

https://www.facebook.com/yassirhamdiphotography

beautiful ozone.....

2012-01-18T12:08:00.000-08:00

in a dark place away............

2012-01-18T10:31:00.000-08:00

once upon a time in a dark place away
I lost my life I lost my day
as I sat in a train in a seat in a terrible seat
i let it take me away up north to defeat

once upon a time in a dark plcae away
my dreams were cut short
in a life time meant to survive
but they struggled and died

once upon a time in a dark place away
I have a piece of my heart to someone
even though I that piece was meant to stay with me
i forced it to travel in the wrong direction
i gave a part of me to a trains journey
shuttle shuttle in the tracks
that piece of me will never come back

....................
or will it
I want it back
i want it back

but for a moment I was the woman i always fought
for a moment I was the woman who i wanted to kill
i was the eyes I wanted to poke out
I was the smile I wanted to turn down
i was the touch I wanted to burn
i was the evidence i wanted to cheat

....but the truth is always hard to have
i was the truth i never wnated to hear

once upon a time in a dark place away
i never got my sense of hope again..............

Black Pearls & Satin 2

2012-01-18T07:15:00.000-08:00

he waits for her
hecant are to do anything else
he can barely control himself thinking about her
staring out of his wide balcony
tellme what to do, tellme what you have done to me
your stare is imprinted in my memory
I cannot breathe now except with you in it
I cannot think now unless you are in my thoughts
I cannot be who I am without you being who I am

he waits for her his heart beating
never in all his kingship did he feel like this
so out of control like this
not in reign like this
someone ruling him
but how in that moment he loved the image
controlled by her
........

Suddenly he hears the unlocking of the doors
one big breath shallow not intended
turns around
cannot breathe
waiting to see her
her hair, her shimmering eyes
her soft skin
her lack of fear
her mysterious courage

dying to see her.............

to be continued

Black Pearls & Satin 1

2012-01-18T03:58:00.000-08:00

I search for a desire untold by histroy

even I cannot tell it as its light burns me

i have not heard, or seen or felt this lust

i have not even yearned for it as its composition can kill me

I dream of love beyond surfaces and rooms

beyond levels and skies

beyond relationships and families

beyond freedom and war

beyond me

I dream of a love beyond me

warriors could die for this

soldiers could be armed for this

kings could search for this

and I.... I dream of this

grand exposure with a historic futuristic tale

anywhere I want this fairytale

I close my eyes and see black pearls and long sleeves

i get an idea

how i crave for secret ideas

I collect satin

I collect time

a love past stories told

this is unlike any story ever told

a love past what the eye can see

and the heart can beat

this is a love for impossible defeat

12- 4.5_ I lack a soul

2012-01-18T02:17:00.000-08:00

it escalates
it gets out of contorl
it increases
it rises
it tolls
it magnifies
it blows up
it demands to be seen
it accelerates

it runs
the number defines exact risk of damage
it damges me

God wants to tach me a lesson
yesterday i could have found out information
now i cannot find out
because i was messing with the world
i was creating my own universe
i was synced out of oplay
i was jealous
and abnormal
and existing prematurely

deep down i am sick
i feel sick
and i do not know how to cancel it
it makes me disrespect myself
lack enjoyment
lack pleasure

gain trips of pian

the equation is so different
doubles tripled quadruples
right now
i lack a soul

respectable woman not so much

2012-01-15T03:58:00.000-08:00

Respectable woman lies and cheats
Respectable woman is just a broken defeat
eyes tender to the touch of remorse
respectable woman is getting worse and worse

Ever so broken I have no words to compare
with good woman of my age that never dare
to dare GOd

Ever so fragile I have no strength
muscles tormented by mind death
soul won by devils plan
I span my life to be ruled by desires
I give my all my control to be ruled by fire

Ever so lost I cannot find my way
too many roads all going the wrong way
Ever so scared I Cannot think straight
letting other people put fear in me and steal my fate

Ever so sad I forgot how to be happy
ever so mad I forgot how to be calm
ever so 'special' I just want to be normal
ever so normal I wish I was special

...to someone

11-4.5

2012-01-15T01:29:00.001-08:00

what a terrible number to write
a horrible day to begin
the first day of ice is the first day of darkness in my eyes
I want to die
but I know I will go to hell if I die so soon
i must not let it break me
like a cold cold recession
I must not let it kill me
like an awful accident
it was an awful accident
but I will recover
and I will not surrender
for I am a good person
I am a weak good person
I am a kind person
and I deserve to understan d the molecules of my soul
I understand tiny bits and so I make great mistakes
but yesterday i understood a great big chunk of my evil soul
it is an evil soul
a weak soul
a soul to be embrrassed from
it is a woul with no lines of defence and no outlook forhte future
escpecialy the afterlife
I does not love god the way I love god
and it loves the devil the way I hate the devil
it is a soul of no mercy and no hope for it to ever save me
and so I have to start all over again at number 11

Is this all that I have earned 5? Parts of me Fighting

2012-01-13T04:36:00.000-08:00

A part of me does not know why I'm sad

Questionable of the good in my life

A part of me thinks Im beautful

A part of me thinks...I'm not

A part of me knows I'm smart

A part of me sees something else

A part of me knows Im faithful

A part of me feels something else

A part of me is always afraid

A part of me wants to never fear anything but GOd

A Part of me looks at herself in the mirror and knows her reflection

A part of me looks and does not know who is looking back

A part of me wants what I have and to make it work

A part of me wants what I do not have and to bleed to make that work

Khartoum Heartbreak_ tears fall for days lost in time

2012-01-13T03:42:00.000-08:00

Today I am sad and frightened
I have failed terribly not even easily and I have so much work to do
Not in just passing but in dreaming

my dreams have tarnished
my dreams have become finite
I can see their end near

Sometimes I wish I could just leave and turn home
I miss home
I always write about the sounds, the visions , the balconies and the scents
I always remember the history the past
when there was no judgement
just clean verandas and sunset kitchens glistening with sparkle

If I close my eyes I can remember a long time ago
a clean veranda where cotton sheets mesmerised in the working air conditioning and mixture of fresh bakhoor . The flowers painted lightly employed the sunset and flashed their desire to impress. pillows plumped outwards and chairs sat perfectly for dinner. the scents of lux soap devoured the space as white skin was moisturised and long black but hair was swept into a gently ponytail
the middle bed was the first story , light television over a sweet evening tea visitors allowed and sowing talked over perfect hems

IF I close my eyes I can unfold the time back to when wardrobes were filled with treasures. It was a young kids dream, my dream to beg for them to be opened she used to laugh and open them with hands free show me the vast array of collected items I couldnt wait to grow up so they could be mine
fabrics from far and wide sat like decorated armor
I wore this when I and I wore that when and /..... this one is for you when you get married
I chuckled and tried to imagine a still foetus dream
perfumes lounged in discussion as I was allowed to spray

chanel number 5...... the master of perfume .... no other bottle could compete with her love of number 5 it sat like the captain in the centre of the other scared bottles on the second shelf of the first wardrobe........ thats anough spraying! dont waste my perfume!
i was gushed out of the room smelling like a bucket of cologne -

If I close my eyes I remember how the plants had to be watered at the right times.... just before Asr - and when the yard was washed. I remember how the yard was washed and she stood at the corner of the veranda door

Inspecting......
move that conspicous pot and clean behind it !
Andthen days when ehr history was taken to london
the london I want to return to not this london when red buses where open at the back and you could make it ot break a leg.....we always made it
Strawberry cheesecake in woolsworth
clothes shopping in C&M

I sitll remember she loved those shops
I still remember she treated me to the end of a hard day shopping to strawberry cheesecake in woolsworth
but when I close my eyes I cannot remember it all! UUUGGGH
its fuzzy its broken and its lost, like images from an erased tape due to old age
I try and force my eyes shut and repair the image but I do not have all the memory in store no longer

I wish I did I wish i did
have the image of her and I in woolsworths eating strawberry cheesecake in oxford street
what did we talk about
I will enver know
what was she thinking I will never know

I have all the feelings and emotion devotion
I can sense her and I know what I am missing without her
but its too late
i miss her dedication to perfeect cooking, perfect cleanliness perfect accuracy
freezers set to the right degree and jelly must not be too soft or too hard
it was t he knowledge of a genius
it was the era of beautiful days

I miss it all
I missi it all
I miss her
I miss her

My grandmother
she is the days I want to recreate
she is the product i want to become
she isthe fairytale that should be acted
she is the wonder that should be facted

she is the happinness that I want to repeat
Her abscence is a misery i cannot defeat
she is the key to a history untold
beautiful images in my mind frozen and cold
I want to take them and melt them in the heat
and return to the day when the back yards flourished with cotton sheets and we sat there so happy so
ignorant to the fact these were the most cherished days in my youth
I cannot weight those days with anything
I cannot pay for my future without the income of those days

those days when life was still traditional yet modern
when was life was still blended with ease and pattern of beauty
when my grandmother was still the pearl of the house
and the story of love
the story of kindness but the difference in detail
in respect in standards and knowledge
made her a woman no one can ever find today

mary......
I wonder where your helper went , what happened to her is she alive or dead
the last reminensce of a Sudan now gone you and her , you and me,me and her me and a history I close my eyes and wish to return to
A sudan, a day, a story ,a moment in life we will never ever ever see again

Revolution against Soul 6_ Bad Thinking

2012-01-12T14:00:00.000-08:00

En Route to ........... The woman

2012-01-11T15:59:00.000-08:00

En Route to.............. the woman who holds the ocean glory
she looks out to the ocean, the cean small in her memory ,vast in her emotion she takes a breath of fury, fury to be the right woman, adrenaline soars in her anatomy, she is the perfect body of water harmony the sky of the blue cloth she intimately connects life to sings far with the wind. I am happy to be with you. She is clean, she is smart and she is patient. happily involved with life but in a relationship with God. THis woman knows what she's doing what she wants. She deserves anything pure and right -

Ya RAb
forgive me for I h ave done wrong
many times and may where
seperate me from my sins like you seperate the west from the east
do not let me see them ever again like you do not let see the snight and day together

Ya Rab you do not change people unless they change within themselves
I vow to change myself
I vow to break free from the chains of my disgust

Dear God
analyse me from pain
describe me from torment
write me down about sorrow
Do not pick any of these
I vow to become better feel better look better
I vow to be stronger and smarter
Ya Rab I beg only you and i beg you that it is not too late

I beg you to help me ya rab

Nearly being her isnt enough 2

2012-01-10T14:32:00.000-08:00

Nearly living your life the way you wanted is not enough
Nearly loving the way you dreamed
Nearly seeing your dreams come true is not enough

Nearly becoming distinct from others
and nearly holding onto your faith is not enough

Nearly being happy
nearly being true
nearly being strong
nearly being you
is
not
enough

Nearly reaching your potential
nearly knowing it
nearly just smelling what hte potential is
is not enough

nearly failing is enough to make you die
nearly crying for a year is enough to make yo shy
from life
nearly always feeling like somethings missing is excruciating
and nearly losing the chance on being a faithful muslim girl is
tormenting

IMagination ...............
the exams are over and you stand before the amazing, the wonderful

Please God PLease dont fail me

queitly he plays your mistakes
I do not wnat to fail
it is you that has forced me to do so
tell me
what is it that you did not have?
what is it that you could not do
?
what is it that was so ahrd

look when you lived life like this
I gave you youth i gave you money
time independance health wealth
a mind , a beautiful mind

why did you do these mistakes?
you knew the answers you always knew the answers
so why did you never write them down?

Dear God
I dont know
i didnt
I didnt think this day would realy ever come/

.....now is not t hat a mistake that I can forget all others and just take this one
where you now taught
did you not hear
you yourself
what did u spend your life doing being
a muslim right
so did you just do that
/
did you not be a muslim because you believed in me
?
yes I believed in you but/////
You never trusted me
you never were able to love me more that life

I
wanted to but i always held back it was my souls fault I hate my soul it is a terrible soul

no
I give souls so you can contorl them
this soul is yours
only you can tell it what to do
it is true that souls are like children and want anything once they get it they cannot or do not want to let go
but it is you who gives them that anything and it is you that lets t hem live with it
you also have the ability to take it from them
a soul is yours until now when you are standing in front of me and your soul is here look at it

I turn to the right and see
I want to move but I cannot

I see
a beautiful woman , a b eautiful woman one who looks like me or is it who i wanted to see all in white all in beautiful array of dreams and harmony from here I can smell her perfume from the flowers of jasmine her skin so white it is almost see through her blood in her veins runs crystal and not red her eyes
wow her eyes surge with blackness , with largeness with strength I cannot take my eyes off her I cannot take my mind of her but..... thhere is something wrong this girl is tied down is tied by chains , great big metal chains she cannot move, she can barely breathe
Icannot resist
who tied you up like ths ?
she looks at me and i know the answer without her having to say it
but she replies as she is a beautiful good woman
you did this to me

my tears in these high skies come painful here you do not want to cry but if u do you feel the tears coming out for they are heavy they are from so deep within they take a piece of you when t hey come out
i cannot stop them

DO you see how clean and beautiful your soul really was ?
you always blamed it
you always hated it
this is what you hated

I cannot believe I hated this beautiful woman
I alwyas wanted to be this woman
how can I have done this
I do not know what to do I am in pain from my tears I am in agony from the remorse I feel
I scream
I feel myself aching in every part of my body
I feel how can I have let this happen
it was my choice always and I chose to chain away the beautiful
that woman would have saved me if i had lived in her I would have been living so true
i scream
I scream

now do yousee why I must fail you

I remember the test
i know that I must be failed
I know that I only deserve to go to hell
i know that the most important of me is chained and the one that ias free deserves only fire

I cannot speak, I cannot repeat any remorse or begging
I wish i could beg and beg and beg
what would I beg for?
oh please GOd please
give me one more chance
bring me back to this world and let me release this soul of mine
let me cherish it and be it and let me come back to you it in front of you
and let me pass the exam of chaining the monster not the angel

Ya Rab give me that chance

my mind works but my lips area frozen, no my lips are burned with the red tears

God understands though what I am thinking

I can feel the burn of the angels of fire coming to take me
there is no point waiting
there is no point looking at what could have been but I cannot help take one more look at the beautiful part of me that should be free.......

I turn
I turn
I am so afraid
I am so sad
I am so scared
for this is Gods word coming true
the one I did not believe ...................

Nearly isnt enough 1

2012-01-10T13:52:00.000-08:00

They are not alive but dead , they won't feel until it is too late ( that day)

I break in the memory of girl who I used to know a long long time ago
she was beautiful , she was aliv, breathing in the vast air that God gave her , thankful for each breath, happy that she has this unquantified gift
This girl cherished God , lived for him and him alone, prayed because she wanted to offer him something and not just because it had to be done
studied to be better her country and family and not just because she was ttested

tests were easy
tests were a symbol of her faith to good faith

i once knew a girl who always smiled
who always wanted to live
laugh and only cry in times of great need
for even tears where a facility from God that should be never underestimated or over exaggurated

I once knew a girl who lived for sanity
for identity
who knew....God
who he was and what he wanted

I once knew a girl who nearly was not enough for her
she always wanted the A
always wanted the first line
always wanted the first thing
not in selfish way
but in a I can do better way

______________
now i see a girl who is behind the fnish line....... barely in the distance can she walk or talk , she cannot breathe and she cannot see where she has to go ...she is in pain and she is miserable at her loss of function - she is old and ugly because of the accummulations of wrong life of too much dependancy on ...life
she is dark and darkened by her loss of soul
her heart is getting congested with remorse and guilt she feels terrible guilty at the past she cannot go forwards as she always looks back...Useless

and here toda 11 days from the start she is still 11 days behind...........................

I feel sick from the fingers

2012-01-09T11:19:00.000-08:00

I feel sick

from the heart up and down

today I filled myself with emptiness and then more

I disrespected the respected glory of life

I gave myself away

I feel sick from the mind forever

like I thought for nothing

like I lived for nothing

like I did nothing

I feel sick from the waist up and down

getting ever so bloated with mistakes

going backwards never forwards

I feel sick from the broken upwards

shattered and tormented by myself downwards

always downwards

always lost always full but empty

i cannot think I cannot do

Icannot breathe

Icannot desire or retire into anything favouring

I am afraid to get sick for I feel sick

I feel sick from the eye outward

I feel sick from the typing inwards

I feel sick from my stomach all wards

Monthly Discoveries_ January 2012

2012-01-08T06:14:00.000-08:00

Exams to pass

Every month I must have a plan to achieve
something I must do
grades to win and people to impress
most beautifully myself

this month I have exams to win, to superbly pass

devils plan, and 2 meetings

2012-01-08T06:11:00.000-08:00

Devils Plan: lets fail her , make her fail, make her cry, make her always lost and always sad, lets make her never strong, never decided, never useful to herself, lets make her dizzy, make her feel agony and lets make her waste another year , always lets make her waste her time, her health and her feelings, lets make her use so much of her resources that she never is able to get up, lets make her weak, lets make her blind to her abilities, lets make her always jealous, always broken, always under spoken

i wonder how much i've let happen, I wonder how much they want to let happen
I wonder how much i'm going to let past me , and how much i'm going to give away......

all the good things that god gave me , I want to give away
the things that god CHOSe not to give them -- I give them
I give them my mind, I give them my freedom I give them my feelings, I give them my time, I give them my success , I give them

MY

LIFE

Devils meeting: we need her to always be like this, always lost, always in failure mode, if she ever wakes up then where would we get our facilities? we would starve and die we must always build new strategies and twist her here and there so she is so tied up she does not know where to begin if she ever wanted to even dream to revolutionise

Devils meeting 2 - not to worry this is normal procedure, she always does this , how many times she has tried to run way and we catch her, how many times she has tried to scream and we shut her up and how many times we have heard this before and it never has worked so don't worry everyone just keep eating and drinking and taking all you want we've got years of work ahead of us

.............To be continued

Live Khartoum heartbreak 2

2012-01-07T10:29:00.000-08:00

DON'T eat that!

I remember the night i sat on an african balcony dreaming that I Could reach the stars

wishing upon a miracle to bring them down for me as there was no way i could reach high to get them

there was no wayI could reach high to get them

the heat of the tiles accumulated a sadness within me as if I was soaking up the african ground from a distance

where the people where hungry and thirsty but I was full I was so full

and yet

the distance between me and the stars was ever so grand

ever so far

it made me hungry

so hungry

that all I felt was pain

like the pain I feel now

hungry and yet never full

full and yet always hungry

................

En route to..............a new way of thinking

2012-01-07T07:13:00.000-08:00

En route to..............a new way of thinking

God I wish this year is great
everyday I understand your plans better
today I realised how important you call was
today I remembered how strong I am
just by being a muslim woman

Dear God
forgive me today
Dear God
Forgive me tomorow
Dear God
forgive me yesterday

Dear God help me out in my anguishes
and dont leave me to languish

I ask for your concern and your dreams
I ask your oppotunities and your jingling keys
your existence in my heart before my eyes can see

Please let my eyes shine with your beautiful disguise
I want you to bulge me into life
I want you to drink me into reality
I want you to taste me into the future

let me rephrase
I want to drink and taste reality and the future as one with you

I want to walk and talk for you
I want to think and click worlds around you

I want to live for you
Ya RAb
let 2010 be ATDS year
let it be my year
entwined with love
and let 12/12 be a miracle day
and let my family healthy all say

we are proud of you
please let me believe in my self
do notlet me fail any test
that you give me
that you set me
I need your forgiveness before I can succeed
Ya rAb I do not want to be the one who has been mistaken
I do not want to be the girl who was undertaken....
by life

YA rab I do not want to be the evil tongue
the dark earrings and absorbing necklace of demand
I do not demand anything

I just want your acceptance on me
I want to calm my volcano of rage
I want to stage a good drama
an innocent way

Lord knows there are things I do and feel I feel true and do
Lord knows there are things I say and mean I mean wrong and say

others

I ask you to not ever let me repeat the past
do not ever let me repeat the unknown
I ask you to help me

here I am thining I am invincible
when I am truly vvery invisible without you
ya rab ana
ya here or there

Y a rab I am overstretched
I want this And I want that
I feel this and I feel that
I dream this and I think that

I ask for this and I ask for that
they cancel each other out
so I dont ask for anything

Ya rab I have lost my identity
I am identity mess
who I am
what is it that i believe in and want
how much do I love myself
what am I willing to offer myself

how much am I willing to sacrifice for you

In Khartoum... I heard al sorts of heartbreaks
damaging and untold
awful desires and burning devils behind closed doors
poor love but rich in length
eyes attracting the empty
fears telling the story

of a woman bruised by her own commotion
creating her own traffic
stopping behind her own red light

asking all the wrong questions
leading all the wrong path

If I could freeze the summary
and heat the conclusion it would burn with the fuel of ill confidence

I am ill with lack of confidence
I am frightened by the confidence of strong woman stolen from me
its strange I see that confidence and I report it
that is mine
give itback
when did you take it
and how did you steal it that i did not see
if I hadseen you I would have never let you take my cofidence
and they say
shockingly
you gave it to us
for free
..............................................

10- 4.5

2012-01-05T10:46:00.000-08:00

its been a while since i've been counting

but i'm listening to my strength and am no longer drowning

2012 I plan to be

the best woman that I can see

just a few days ago I was a year away

but I thank god that I couldn't stay

in that cold, dark and miserable place

suddenly the sunlight was in my face

a new year

a new chance

a new plan

a new span... of life

a part of me is sorry for all that I have done

but a part of me knows whats done is done

what I've done is gone

what I didn't do is still undone

I went to africa to find my heart

I went back home to search for the start

I went to the desert to get back the truth

I went to a hot winters tale to catch my youth

and in the wind , the blowing wind

and amidst the wedding of fantasy where red satin sat

and throughout the days where the sun was friendly

and over the mornings when fresh coffee brewed

and in the evenings when glowing stars chewed

.......the bitterweet pain

a part of me wanted to scream

a part of me wanted to dream

a part of wanted it all to seem

.....fine

I know it wasn't fine

it was dangerous and cruel

it was innocent but I was the fool

it was shameful I used her as as tool

I used him, them as a tool

I invisibly bled a red velvet pool

.....of beautiful blood

Here I am today 5 days on

no more memories just the remedy to find the one

God...and I

are broken ever so

I desperately want to fix it and make it glow

......and i have this year to find how to fix it

My first dream

2012-01-01T05:28:00.000-08:00

May this year lose all bullets of secrets
told by the thoughts of others spilling onto my own

May this year be happy and easy
easily filled with a simple explosion of excuisite story
my story

may this year be the happiest year in my life
may this year be my untold future
may be this year be my reason for livng

May this year be my tears paying enough
my cries turning diamonds
and god.... forgives me
that is a beautifully organised day

May this year be challenging
no misery may break me
only God can make me
better, older, a new woman

a different composition from the rest
Ya Rab
please have mercy on me\this year
have mercy on me
touch me with your grace and love
forgive me for all I have done in 2011
do not break me this year
do not let me trick me
please letme be awake at the right times

Ya rab let my first dream come true
that you love me and forgive me and accept me this year
Ya Rab

YA rab let all my first and right dreams come true
Please organise me into tommorrows melody composition
let me be the right tune
let me play .......wonderfully\
Dear God
I beg you to forgive me
Dear God

LIVE Khartoum Heartbreak 1

2011-12-22T03:52:00.000-08:00

Just so close, on a fallen balcony , a woman screams to her young daughter - YOUVE DONE A HUUGEEE MISTAKE! FIX IT!
her screams echo the lounge, the kitchen, solid annoyance with the world and everything in it ,in that moment in time , I am forced to listen planets between us and yet her voice rings in my ears, her pain agonises my heart and her screams worrry me terribly,

it is an episode of live Khartoum Heartbreak

here We are, here I am amidst the working streets, it is 2.36 in the afternoon
birds are chirping outside , their sounds sing over fast motor cycles and impatient car horn, lorries growl too. I can hear the sounds of cooking, pots and pans exploding with flavour in deep unshaven kitchens, clean....but not clean enough, never can be - for it would not be perfect Khartoum otherwise .... dust trickles, and flies dance ,

my cousin breaks my trail of thought but enters a new one in my head...... her lemon juice swings in the air , taste and smell combined remind me of my glistening dreams, and hot houses repaired with them.. I dream of living here in the heat sometimes won by the creeping cold escpecially in the night time twirls - when it gets cold here - no one should underestimate the powr of its control. Slowly taking you sharply drying you from the winds agitated by change in the skies. its swift coolness design my dreams. I dream now of a 6.02 am balcony revolution with a woolen jumper over a navy cotton dress. hair hairdressed, curls obeying and attentive to beauty, hena glowing each flower flowing stories, each line connecting dots.... she smells african, she smells sudanese.. but her scent is from an alternate reality , just a few moments away and yet planets in time.......

disaster all on my own accord

2011-12-13T05:31:00.001-08:00

Here we go again
A disaster
and does this have anything to do with any body else
no
I feel ashamed and I deserve to be ashamed

untitled stress

2011-12-02T03:06:00.001-08:00

Stressed
but all my fault
I dont know
whether to applaude or whether to condescend but
i know myself
I know exactly how i think and how I plan
and I am conniving
so I will only fault
today I will only fault

____________________________
the next time I am here
I hope I am bette
rin a better place
in a better thought
in a better dream.........

half and half

2011-12-01T14:23:00.001-08:00

I am such a mess
a part of me wants this
and a part of me wants that

my dreams are cut in half
they are superimposed on each other unti Iget a blurred vision

I do not understand
and yet I see it so clearly

I do not want this
and I do not want that

A part of me wants to become the other
and the other wants to remain wanted

I do feel like a broken record
round and round and round
and the lyrics are all wrong
and the music is off

so of course im dancing to the wrong thing

I am such a mess
I do not know how to tidy it all up
where to being
what to throw out and what to keep

I feel like two halves
one in this country and one in the other place
the place where I belong
and neither part truly belongs to me
for I do not belong to either of them

i belong to the unnatural
to the non existent
to the eerie imagination of dark saga
I belong somehwere between the oceans and the land
the airplanes and the cars
the trains and the wrong commands...................

replace me today

2011-12-01T01:58:00.001-08:00

Dear God,

I have to go I should be there now
But I just want to say
I miss you and i love you
you are the love of my life
always
no matter how faw away I get something always pulls me back
saves me
and that is that
My love for you
I know everything is all messed up
yesterday, the day before
but I know that one day, today
it will start
my journey back to yyou
where I will find you dramatically
I am in great need for this love for you
and I beg you to ....never give up on me

I am sorry I always gave my troubles to everyone but you
I am sorry that i felt I had troubles in the first place

I am sorry that I didnt find it in me to be strong enough to stop myself
I am sorry that I was never strong enough for you
and thtath urts me
more than anything

dear God
I bed your forgiveness
your help
I need you all the time
even though I do not show that all the time
please for give me

البعد عن ربنا اكتئاب

2011-11-30T15:05:00.001-08:00

البعد عن ربنا اكتئاب

Did you ever consider this pain youre in right now is not because your soul is bad but it is because it is a good soul and it is screaming and hurting you to see that

Did you ever stop and take a look at yourself, take a loot at what you want , what you do who you are, where you are going

Did you ever stop and wonder why you are doing this way, why you are in agony in hertbreak in a continuous cylce hypnotised by pleasure and fake dreams

Did you ever wonder where those dreams are coming from, how thy arrived why are they your dreams and not somebody elses

Did you ever ask yourself who are you

Did you ever take time to wonder about God and true faith not this temporary participation this lame attempt this empty try that you take as religious

you are not religious

you do not pray

you just do bodily actions and move your lips and all i nthe wrong times with other plans and even dreams in your head

you do not wear hijab

you just wear a piece of clothing on your head

it doesnt mean anything to you

you do not want to achieve

you just come and go and go and come and pretend like you are still holding on

you are not in love

you just obey the scnes and the films the music and the lyrics and fantasise about something you have no experience or knowledge about and pretend you have become a professional

you think you are in love ?

with whom?

with what exactly

since when

and where did it happen

do you have answers for any of these quesitons?

you dont know anything about love

take a look at yourself

and do not blame anything or anyone

do not blame

for it is you

that is lacking in the gorgeous

Did you ever cry about something that actually you should cry about

no youve only cried about htings that you do not need to cry about

and what you really need to cry about

what should really give you tears

you ignore

you find ok

you can live with

Did you ever consider that you have become someone who you cannot trust

can you trust yourself/

Icant

Revolution against Soul 5_السخرية Ridiculing

2011-11-30T14:47:00.001-08:00

If you mock people , people will find a way to mock you
if you let out peoples faults to others to look good and so they look bad
what sort of a person would you be?

yes, a terrible person
if you think
Oh im the best God looooves me
and take that mindthought to others that may (you just think that) not be as good as you
and think
god you do that youre suuuuch a bad person
and then you turn to yourself and think
Im sooo goood

what kind of a person would you be?
yes an awful person

if you keep following peoples mistakes
waiiiit
dont you have your own mistakes to follow

day and night you follow others mistakes
and you forget yourself
unitl its too late.....
tell me, what will you say on judgement day/ where did you put the time/
oh...I was looking at him him him him her her her her

if you ridicule people people will ridicule you
worse...
God will let them
because he wants to teach you a lesson
better
he wants to be fair

just because of a sentence

2011-11-30T14:12:00.001-08:00

NO it could never be like that
twisted conversations becoming normal
ordinary people making somehtin extra ordinary
broken words becoming a sentence
silent lips kissing each other
beautiful eyes meeting each other
different music meeting

YES it could never be like that
two random people becoming sensual
strangers channelling friendship
drawing a future together
one that looks like a beautiful picture
one that looks like a gallery portrait
no one else can finish that picture
because the lines are unique
the colours are rare
and the merging is charachteristic

NO it could never be like that
I smile at the possibility having been sad just a few moments ago Ive forgotten it and that makes me smile more
I close my eyes and imagine.... His driving and me changing music
we're going home after a family party
and I looked beautiful because he was happy
and he's happy becasue I'm his

YES it could never be like that
but you know its strange
normally
I have a heart that beats by this time
and a memory that runs without brakes
and yet now I cant feel anything
i must be dead
I just .....I guess I have accepted the reality that there is dress coming up where it will be any colour but white.....

and now Ive forgotten my smile and am sad because I think
there will be a picture never drawn
never seen
never felt
and it will be lying somewhere the empty canvas
lying somewhere far away
lying there
waiting for us
empty.................
forever

I... must continue 4, I have not failed

2011-11-30T10:24:00.001-08:00

I must continue, without thinking i have failed
I am
mesmerised at my own failures
here I am
always fearful that I am a failure
I always think
someone is better than me
I get jealous
I am naive spoken so
I wonder
Why cant I see myself as this rare breed of women whom God has created with more fault than good
yet deep in the crevices of my creation he also created a goodness unlike no other
no other woman has this goodness for only small quantities are needed and it becomes vast
the explosion of deletion of the rest
why cant i see that I am unique one with flawless imagination and tempting fascinations with life with sudan
i merge khartoum with heartbreak like it was mint and lemon ...I am the sugar and ice
I make everyhting sweet for I cannot or I do not want to see the bad in the things I love

i cannot understand why I cannot determine my actions and sanction as required
I require an inspiration coming from within me towards me at a pace of lawful desire for I need rules
I am lost without rules
But that is why no other person writes like I do
I do not make rules for I never abide
I do not think about what I write
I only write what I feel
if I think it is merely to detail the exquisite
sometimes I write so fast I am unable to keep up
two words ahead
I love writing
it has brought me pain and trouble
it has brought me love and understanding
but it has brought me wasteful feelings
a vast range of feelings I throw on paper
like thick waves crashing on the sand
I crash...the words out of my system

and yet I cannot understand why I am so insecure with what i want to say
I used to be a strong woman
I felt like I was a strong woman
but today I delved into the weak woman that I think I've become without restriction
I didnt cry
but i suffocated my talent
I didnt scream
but complained
I complained about me

its going to fall
I can hear it
I can see it
more more
its going to come falling for the weight is too much and the angle is too sharp
I am a strange sort of woman focusing on the little and zooming out from the important
I focus on the detail
and yet never occupy myself with too much detail

only I can stop it
only I can stop what I dont like
only I can make the good movie of my life
only I can make myself famous

a part of me knows this
and a part of me is always searching
always demanding that tommorrow will be different
will be adamant to succeed
and yet I never succeeed

or is it that I do succeed but cannot see it
I cannot see the great success inside me at best coming through
I cannot see the smart detail of my intellignece
no i only see the black dots
the grey lines
the red vocabularly
i never see all the other words written with all their glory

never
i love writing
but I hate it at the same time
I do not know where it will take me
to a great sentence
an exact meaning
a powerful expression
but is that good or bad?
is it not terrible that the perfect thing is said what comes next
I rather search for perfection rather than find it
its like what happens after the they lived happily ever after
the end
and I do not want it to end
I want to continue
searching writing asking wondering hating crying loving
I want to continue searching

deep down you know you havnt really tried

2011-11-30T08:37:00.001-08:00

Deep down you know that there is one hting you have not tried
Deep down you know that this is the answer
Deep down you just know that this is the answer
Deep down you just know that this is the only way things will change
Deep down you want things to change everyday
If they dont change ....you will die....early
you will be living dead
Deep down you know that is already been happening
Deep down you know yourself more than anybody
Deep down you need the inner girl within you to get reborn
Deep down you know how that can happen
but deep down you have never tried to do it
deep down you need courage you need love you need to take it day by day
you need to take it day by day
most importantly
Deep down you need to start today

motive believe

2011-11-30T08:23:00.001-08:00

motive

change

motive

delete

motive

become

motive

trust

motive

believe

motive

believe

motive

believe

Today is too dry 2

2011-11-30T06:29:00.001-08:00

Free

I just want to feel free

I want to look free

I want to be i control of my freedom

i want to dance life the way I want

I want to wake when I need

sleep when I can't

run when I slow

smile when I breathe

Free

I just want to be free

I want my body to look free

I want my mind to be released

from its cage

I want to wear black like white

and white like black

I want my colours to run

into freedom

Free

I just want to walk free

free from the devils

free from a blocked fat soul

free from a naked mind

free from a broken body

free from useless words

free from everything that I hate within me

and I just want to be free

from the past

the future

the present

I want to be free from the itchy feeling

of distaste

lack of memory

lack of courage

I want to be free

when i dance in life

rather than spill in life

and die in life

undanced

Today is too straight 1

2011-11-30T06:01:00.001-08:00

I want to bend my life into existence

Stretch it out of boredom

dance the world away

I want to become a different creature

an interesting kind

I want to become

something else

I want to change rapidly

I want to change dramatically

I want to feel differently

I want to draw circles around the x's

I want to turn and miss the bad spots

I want to glide and reach the good part within me

I want to look beautiful

not because i look but because I feel

beautiful

saying the same thing a different way

2011-11-30T05:07:00.001-08:00

Ten is just a number only you can make it mean something
all ten times means is that youve failed ten times
it means you still have 90 more chances to succeed if we say you had 100 tries
it means that youve found 10 wayas that do not work
it means you were unsuccessful 10 times but that you tried ten times
even if you want to not say that
all it means is that you did not try hard enough 10 times
you always hav a next time
as long as you are alive
as long as you are not dead
10 times is a lot
but 11 is more
you can look at hte 10 all you want it wont go away
but you can stop 11 ,12 ,13,............
if you really want
you can stop it all
the past 10 and the future can be eradicated from any new 10 failures
then
it will just be10
and you can say butI passed 90 times if we say 100 tries
even if we say 30 tries
you have failed a third
and you have two thirds to pass
if you pass the the two t hirdds then you pass the whole test
and the bad third will be forgotten about
10
is a big number
but 20 is bigger
10 is a ig number
9 is smaller
8 is smaller
do you remember when you were at 8 did you know you were gona be at 10? no
you thought the exactsame way now
I want to stop at 8, 7 ,6
but it didnt happen
so you failed
at 5,4,3 and now you are at 10
do you want at 15 to say one time I was at 14,13,12?
do you want to feel the same way you felt at 8 at 12?
will 10 be the same as 25?
or will it be 10
the end

1 song, 2 different meanings

2011-11-30T04:39:00.001-08:00

Been Given 24 hours to tie up loose ends to make amends

Head spinning around

suddenly no time to sit down

just want to run and run and run

be careful

DONT wish life away

NOW

Imagine if

I only have one day

and I CANT believe how IVE been wasting my time

Imagine if they were laying flowers on my life

that life

I do not want

today

I magine if it was over

tonight

there would be no

Tommorrow

just

Heaven and hell

there is

is it only then

I will see what matters to me

THE places I ve been

The People Ive seen

Plans that i made

life that I left fade

will it all be clear

when the price is too dear

to return and fix things?

why I cannot dance

even when the lyrics of life

do not match with the story I want

see what I mean

hair loss

2011-11-30T04:08:00.001-08:00

There was once a girl with beautiful hair
each strand represented a day , a memory, a beautiful thought
she covered her hair loved her hair combed her hair wanted her hair to be an emotional secret

But the wicked witch inside her grew nad grew until she convinced her to let down her hair to stop hiding her hair, to stop protecting it and thats when her hair turned into a witches nest ,
where it harvested pain, pleasure, desire, lust and ....she suddenly lost the black shine, the smooth curls, the long silk running to her shoulders it was like an evil spell coming true a poisoned apple attacking the softness
suddenly it was sharp, rough tough brown? or was it grey? broken strands on the floor and most importantly
this hair was now no longer hers it was no longer under her control under her body
it was no longer to be proud of
it was no longer to be clean of to be talked of to be smiled about

the mirror cried for it could no longer show her the good and beautiful it used to see
the lamps tired of shining for they had nothing to shine for
she started living in a place damp cold and queit and alone
she was alone
she lost her hair
she lost its suprise
its black beauty
its tremendous strength
all she could see was ....clumps of mistakes
each mistake had cut a piece of her mind
until there was no longer anything t o .....take
it was all just a distant memory now.............

10 - 1.5

2011-11-30T04:00:00.001-08:00

Today......I feel like my life has disintegrated into nothing
I feel like I have become nothing
I feel like I lost every piece of good in me left
I feel dumb

Today.....i know that I am a person with no strength
just weakness
no perserverence just stop
no patience
just rush
no sense
just tense emotions
flaccid muscles
overall a pathetic existence

Today...I am small
I am an extra large small
I am a deep worry of distrust
I am a broken record
I turn and turn and turn around in circles

living my life in dreams
living my life i wrong dreams
other peoples dreams
like a virus clingin onto other peoples sucess and hoping it could oneday be my own

Today I am the world I hated
I am the planet of remorse
I am the galaxy of silence
Today I do not want to say anything
do anything
be anything

I just want ot take time back
i want to get a new mind
I want to exchange this faulty soul I havae
I want to replace my thoughts
get new models of them that work better faster last longer
Today I do not want to be anywhere
everywhere is wrong

Today I have reached the end of my disintegration
the end of Hope
the end of me...... anything that was left of me .....anything possible
anything
is gone

this morning

2011-11-30T03:47:00.001-08:00

My life is a disaster
I do not know what to do
I am sad and mad
I am ugly from the inside out
so ugly
everything I do is ugly
I am fearful of everything
I am the person i did not want to become
my body is changing for the worse
I am no longer young
I am no longer sweet
I am just a biter old lady with lots of regret

Khartoum heartbreak pre 3

2011-11-27T16:10:00.001-08:00

I lost the game a while back in Khartoum
I broke the law of love a while back in Khartoum
I lost the role of courage a while back in Khartoum
I discovered the evil side of me a while back in Khartoum

Tell me......
Dear Khartoum
could you ever forgive me?
I a stranger, thinking I could get closer...to your touch

Tell me
Would you accept me/
or would you send the enemies for me
would you send talk and spatter and wrong eyes
would you let the heat attack and the dirt combat
all my tries
would you insult me
like i insulted you

or would you forgive me and change me
and offer me

a freetime balcony osmehwere in your middle streets bending on your alley ways
one of the cold days of winter
would you lend me the night as it crawls overmy temper and makes me a better woman
would you let it sink in the stars beating the sky navy the moon travelling distance into my heart the street lights colouring my portrait of tonight
the traffic is still expet for random hearts like me
my job is to remember this poem it would be

could you ever give me one of your land space to dream?
or for my dreams to come real?
Dear Khartoum
I have always fought foryou here
it might not be much and I know it is not what you need
....
but dear Khartoum
I wish you would offer me

a piece of your nature
a part of your success
a piece of your insulation
and a part of my mind
please
give me a part of my mind back

I applaude you for your living strength
I aplaude you for wisdom even though you are far away from the boundaires of regulations

this is why I love you
lack of regulation
lac of speculation

that I could ever be......unhappy

but
only if you open the blacony I o desire
only if you could open the balcony into my heart
and close the balcony of my creeping nightmares

please God
I beg you to help me and saveme from who i have become

Tomorrow

2011-11-26T14:26:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow

There is a new Queen to be born

I feel like all my jewels have been stolen

I feel like all my nice things have been taken

now

I am just pure and raw

beating with the a broken heart, a tired heart,

but

Tomorrow

There is a new mend in place

it will take place

Tomorrow

Because Tomorrow is the new arabic year

different, unique, forgotten, but amazingly important

1433 years ago, my beautiful religion started

its never betrayed me , its never parted with me

but I
I chose to break my relationship in return breaking me
I chose to cut it out in return cutting me

but I
sit here today, the lost the losing the loser
I dont walk further ,
I dont wake
I dont ......
Or I am eating my heartbeat away

Tomorrow because I am so tired I am going to try
I am going to cry for another thing, for other things
for new things
I am going to stop because Tomorrow
a new day is here

that no one knows about
that no one cares about

but I Do
my new year
my new start

and it starts with forgiveness.........

Undisposable dreams 6?

2011-11-24T15:51:00.001-08:00

I just dream of simplicity
something beautiful
something that I deserve and that deserves me
but wait

what is it that I deserve?
I dont know

I just dream of a kind girl
one who cares about the world
about herself
about her life

one who forgives herself before others
forgives others

I just dream of a love kind
a love sweet
emotional yet makes sense
simple
not over not under
just exceptional

Khartoum Heartbreak pre 2

2011-11-24T14:30:00.001-08:00

In the morning I kiss you good night

for its just the end of the beginning

summertime love, winter explicitlessness, african jungle of bitter sweet emancipation

I guess i met you for a reason only time will tell

I know forever and ever I'm under youre spell....even though I am wide awake

are you a simple perfection ? with an honest complexion
sweet tasting seduction on a a background of delicance
I beg for your eyes - A Khartoum vision of beautiful suprise
the bridges connect us
the cars talk about us
the houses reminisce our holding hands
the children laugh with us
the taxis yellow our hearts
the markets open us
and the nile...the nile waters us
for its in its black silver water of romantic predispostion I get the cure to love you

you're doing something to me
in the morning evening
the night is still young
but the lights are coming through
the twilight is still speaking
the midnight s listening
the day is calling
but the night is never postponing

my intentions are clear

what are yours>?

Khartoum heartbreak pre 1

2011-11-23T16:54:00.001-08:00

(the pre collection) -

Last time I caused the city to bleed
it cried as I came to visit and never asked it how it was
it sobbed as I passed through it unaware at its beauty
it had done so much to greet me
applaude me
love me
make me me
and yet
last time
I shed no affection for the morning dusk
or the afternoon anger of heat
or the mid evening licence to silence
or the sunset glow
or the evening kisses of the moon
or the dark night that catches the stars

last time I hurt the feelings of the streets, the rocks the houses
I was arrogant and disobedient
a foreigner coming to intrude the meaning of stillness trueness
the walls had to collide with my crash
and the gardens had to distend with my poisons

last time I turned my back to the sillhouette of the midnight trees
and the sounds of the morning birds
and the whispers of the beautiful elderly respected
and the everlasting love that cannot be contained or explained
in khartoum

Khartoum heartbreak - pre
as I walked out into the tarmac to catch my flight away from home
the whole capital cried
for it had lost a part of its persons and I had lost a part of my natural instinct to take care of myself
and my country
it was just lucky that the sound of the plane was so loud no one could hear my screams
no one could hear my rubbles of dreams crumbling
as I got on the plane I couldnt look back for I knew
I had hurt my only lover in this world
I had broken up with the place I was born
I had terribly destroyed the relationship between myself and ...... Khartoum
and it hated me
for coming to it and doing this to it in its own place
it hated me because I was sudanese and it loved me for who I was - but never what i had become

TOP PRIORITY

2011-11-22T09:05:00.001-08:00

Let me telll you
this is the last time I will feel like this
this is the last time I will be empty
not just in my education but in my care to be educated
I feel lost
and this loss is no fault but my own
I feel sad
and this sadness is no reason but for my own losses
I feel betrayed
and no one
no no has betrayed me but myself
I feel ugly
and no one thinks that but me
I feel like I dont deserve anything good to happen to me
when I really deserve the world

let m tell you
I only get one chance in life
so why am I giving away my life to
somebody else
to something else
to somewhere else

let me tell you
that I am sad because I havnt achieved anything in my life
and I am afraid that I wont be able to
not becasue I dont have th e abilities or the skills

but becasue I simply have given the abilities and skills I have .....away

let me tell you
my mind is in two places
the one good and the one bad
the one determined and the one sad

let me tell you
things are going to change
predominantly within me inside me
I no longer care about ....well nonsense
Imagine!
imagine a queen caring about nonsense
the two words dont meet
and the result is unlogical
you have a beauitufl queen who can rule the world, rule her world
and all she rules......
is what order does she do things the devil tells her

she can rule the world and she rules
is her souls decompassion towards her

i feel sad
at the time ive lost
at the words ive lost
at the questions I havntbeen able to answer
at the good things I have in my life and cannot see
or worse can see them but dont cherish them
I feel sad the
importance i give things
praying last
lamees first
I feel sad

and its time tochange
only some things take priority
only some things have priority
and they are
faith and God
Myself
Study
family
this does not mean family is least important but it means that all those four are on the same level
they are all TOP PRIORITY

Ive lost you handsome soldier

2011-11-21T12:01:00.001-08:00

you swerve in chivalry
ignite in honesty
walk in bravery
talk in spirituality

You dive in loyalty
Rise in superiority
but never in vanity
cool with tranquility
cool with serenity

I like you
I need you

you are the handsome soldier of my dreams
the one that I think of over and over
no mtter how much I may have forgotten you
or changed you
or even killed you

somewhere you are always mine
somewhere I come back to you
becasue you are the truth
you are the nice of everything
the beautiful of everyone
the centre of me

I am sorry for all ive done
I am sorry for all ive said
I am sorry for all i havnt done
I am sorry for all i havnt said

I wish I could turn bak time and erase anything that made you unhppy
even though you do not know me or see me I know you would be unhappy

I wish I could change things and be the woman you deserve
for when I look at myself now I do not see the woman of YOUR dreams

I wish I could find you
maybe my life will get ...transformed

but I know that is unfair
for when we meet
it si the transformation we both create that is unique that is ours
and I am selfish to ask for both tHaT and ThIs

Re ignite you Handsome soldier......

2011-11-20T16:45:00.001-08:00

Handsome soldier
I think ive been trying to find you everywhere
my search went wild in every place i looked
in every man
within myself when I couldnt see you anywhere
I made you up
I drew you
wrote you
dreamt you
invented you
everything
Just so I can see you
I wanted /want you so bad

handsome soldier you were the first poem I ever thought of
and since then it never stopped
I try and kill you and you just come alive again
I want you
the man who will fulfill my destiny

But its funny becasue even though you take up all my life
you are not in my life
and even though I love you more than anything
there is something I can htink of that I love more than you

Handsome soldier
you are the first thing on my mind
and that is not perfectly right
if you were the true man I want , you even would not want that
but i spill you complicate you
change you
when it really is so simple

I
Love my faith more
I love God more
he is the only first thing in my life
andbecasue it has not been so
my life has been a disaster

more importantly
I never thought about what you want
if you are the man of my dreams
am I the woman of yours?

why am I so selfish?
surely
it cannot be so
surely it cannot
be
so

...................................

Equation of life 2

2011-11-20T16:09:00.001-08:00

You are better than this?

You = Hope
are better = you can do something different to become stronger
than this = than what you are now

Hope you can do something different to become stronger than what you are now

ya allaH!

2011-11-20T15:48:00.001-08:00

Ya allah!
I am sad
I am so very sad
I feel like I am being hypnotised away from you
I hate this trait
I remember you when it is too late

Ya allah!
I cannot do this anymore
be a person who doesnt think of you
be a girl lost without you
be a woman growing without your guiddance

Ya allah!
I am breaking
losing myself day by day
looking at myself in th mirror and seeing ugliness

is this how you see me?

Ya allah
sometimes I do not know what to do
Ifeel terrible I just want to bring back tme
its turning too late
one day it will be too late
and I do not want that day to come

Ya allah!
save me
I beg you save me
something is stopping me
something is pulling me
something is changing me

Ya allah!
take me back to a time I am yours
this is the true love story
I am yours
and you are mine

Ya allah
bring me back to day from that day
let me skip all that terrible failure i have become

Ya allah
save me
please save me!
Ibeg you look at me
but dont hate me
dont detest me
but sorse
dont take all the fiath you gave me
I knwo I am not worthy
but if you help me somehow I will become worthy

Ya allah!
save me
plese I beg you save me

BUT she is there and I can see her but I can I stop her?

2011-11-20T15:13:00.001-08:00

I am jealous
it is a terrible emotion
it sucks all my devotion
but I am jealous?

I get jelaous of her dress
her eyes
her words
the girl of my dreams

I get jealous of her body
her money
her rhapsody
her lover

I am jealous of her sweetness
her deepness
her happinness
her magical existence

I am jealous of the way she talks
walks
works
works with everything around her
and changes it to love her

I am jealous of her stealing my dreams away
for theyre hers and not mine per se
once upon a time she will take them away
the woman of my dreams
the one I want to make gleam

BUT

she will say
you punished me looking at you
you hurt me thinking of you
you broke me looking at you
you suffocated me challenging you

she will cry
everyday I tried to save you
every hour I screamed so i might help you
every minute I didnt stop begging you
to stop what you were doing and look inside you

Look at me
the one who holds you dear
I am you but you made me dissappear
I am the one you were meant to shine with
together we would live rich , we would live dear

Why did you do this to me
what did I do for you to do this to me
feed me evil feed me misery
take me nowhere emprison me
make me watch nightmares and leave them frighten me
why did you do this to me
take away what was most important to me
like your breath , your eyes, this is so important to me

She will say
she will cry
Look at me
why did you do this to me!

BUT
all I see is that I am jealous of the girl within me
the one that I canot let escape
the one that tortures me
with all her beauty
happinness
&
control

She is wonderful
she knows exactly what she wants
I can see her enter the right rooms
drive the right cars
meet the right people

but most importantly
I watch her
waking up on time
sleeping organically
with a face sleeping angelicaly
with a rhythm that is blissfully
correct

I want to be her
I want to wake her
tell her
I want yo to help me
show me how we can be one

I reach my hand out
I want to touch her
So we become one
the woman of my dreams

BUT

Sleepless while you were sleeping
praying while you were praying less
courageous while you were fearful
easy while you were dramatic
dramatic while you were easy

we are too different
you cannot see what i have been pained by
I cannot see what you are in love with
I hate it when I see you lifeless
I hate it when you feel lifeless
even though life is inside you
ready to go life
I think ivedone everything to show you

BUT
i cannot see
BUT
I am no longer going to show
its too late
BUT
Please dont go
you are my dream
my real dream
my only dream
the one I will wnat forever dont go
BUT
i have to there is no longer any use in staying with you , loving you asking you to see me
goodbye
BUT
NO no
WAIT
have i ever begged you like this
have I ever told you all I want is to be you
have i ever begged you for your helo
yes its true youve always tried to give it to me freely
and I am sorry for never taking it
but today
today I beg you to help me
Please
Dont go
BUT
.....................................................

If I was the woman who wasnt here today

2011-11-20T14:46:00.001-08:00

If .......I was the woman I wanted to be
perfecct in all honesty
would all my dreams come to me?
or would I still be wanting them , wanting to see

If I was the woman I needed to become
Would everyhting I wanted just be done
Would all my sadness turn and be gone
or would I still be searching for dreams that havnt come

If I was the woman whose failures didn't exist
would those failures be sadly missed?
Would it be a failure that they were all fixed?
or would it be great, that no failures were on my list

If I was the woman whose life was re arranged
would I be happy or would I be enstranged?
wouuld I be normal or would I be deranged
would I feel ok or would war be waged?

If I was the woman whose life made sense
would it be beautiful or would it be nonsense?
would it be relaxing or would i get tense
would it be passionate or lack all dense?

If I was the woman who got all she wanted
would it be perfect or would it be distorted?
would it be extravagant or would it be flaunted
If I got all I wanted...would I be relieved or would i be haunted?

If I was the woman who had no fears
would I never cry or would i miss my tears?
would everything show or would everything dissappear
would it all be consice, would it all be clear

If I was the woman whose life was mine
would I order another or would I live divine
would I take what I have and make it fine
or would I throw it away and not look behind

mixed up

2011-11-20T14:29:00.001-08:00

sometimes I feel like my dreams are so expanse

they are not for me

I mean I am just a holder

for someone greater

someone better

to come do them

the dreams

I hold them in such high regard

but I am also torn by them

lost by them

involved in them so deep

I cannot swim back

I cannot de passion my love for them

I cannot ignore my heartbeat crying for them

the dreams

its like someone gave me them to store

to mind

and I fell in love

in that time

one day their owner will come want them

and what will I do?

those dreams are so special to me

the existwithin me now

they wake with me

and evn though they damage me

they make me live

what will I say?

Here?

they are my dreams now

once they were yours

but now they are mine

I want them

I want them to come true

to feel right

______________

Picture this......

vast magnitudes of sun burn the day

its 50 % outside

half the temperature of natures passion

trees rupture

flowers expand

cars boil

streets kill the heat by speeding silence

and I

burn with desire

somewhere in a Khartoum window

I watch this tropical inferno

and I burn with desire

silk red emotions

black power of lust
gold lights of temptations
white heaven of trust
pink table cloth of set dinner table
delightful taste
your tase

sweet velvet is aching

soft curls are changing

I am burning with desire

In a khartoum heart

it is breaking the romance

poor

but I succumb to its existence

rich

i spin in its turbulence

the heat watches

still in the air

as I care

never to cool down

the sun devours what I have to give

burning and burning it starts to live

Disposable dream with and Un before it

2011-11-20T07:41:00.001-08:00

If I want you

If I need you

would you understand how I mean

If I pray for you

can I have you?

If I think of you

And dream of you

trying to make the fantasy real

would you understand

If I looked up to the sky

and said come by come by come by come by

would you free me?

Time On my Mind

2011-11-20T07:32:00.001-08:00

Do you understand how valuable time is?

Imagine that every breath you take is stored away in a locker and that on the Day of Judgment these lockers will be opened. Can you see them empty or do you see them full of service, help, invention and worship? Picture someone throwing a hundred thousand dollars in the sea; he would be considered crazy and be put under great restriction. You do the same if you waste your time, for your greatest assets are your breaths in this limited life.

Take me for who I am

2011-11-20T07:30:00.001-08:00

There's...., no point in being sadThere's ...., no reason in being mad
if you lose control
then YOU will fall
and it's like drug addiction
you become addicted & addicted
until from your own life you get evicted
and you are homeless from your dreams
you haven o light to beam
There's....., no benefit in asking questions
about all the wrong and obvious sections
YOU get upset
for your love will never be met
by what you see
no instead he
will hurt you
and break you
and shake you....down
even though it shouldnt be like that
that you can take your heart out of your chest and see how in pain it is
it shouldnt be like that
that your chest aches from someone elses secrets
that you have to hold other peoples secrets andt hey dont even know this
its the opposite of bliss
its the devils kiss
to know things that collide with all your simplicity and make you.....complicated
so within that complication I try and be able t o find communication

Undisposable dreams 2 is here

2011-11-20T07:23:00.001-08:00

I still dream of Love to take me places I've never been like holidays in the stars or visting galaxies by car

I still dream of love expanding through all my horizons and changing my world

I want it to be clean like white pearls and deeper than the deepest oceans

I want to fall in it's desire until I Can melt all the icebergs with this heat

yet I want

I want to be lost in it's translation from language to language for this love is different

it is untold it is unspoken

Lyrics of songs from arabic to english

2011-11-20T07:14:00.001-08:00

Can I take some of your time
one word and then Ill go again
in your eyes I see something that comforts me
I want it so I can live
hundred questions in my mind
when i saw you

how was your life before me with someone else?

So I can rest
I have a suggestion
lets forget the past
lets live together

lets dance

_________

there are things I dont believe ive found them
your eyes on mine I feel at home
and nights I found in you
this is a chance ive been waiting for forever

Why is it hard
the choice is easy
either I am with you
or you are with me

____________
When the sun stops its sunrise
When the trees stop swaying
when all the flowers wither away
I will forget you

___________

Beautiful Nightmare part 7

2011-11-19T12:12:00.001-08:00

Beautiful Nightmarepart 7

Julia smashed open the door of the back garden. The heat ofthe night clung to her face only heating it more. She delved behind the treesand shrubs in her line so no guests would stop her to say hello and walkedbriskly, head low, feet obeying to get to the main door. She tried to keep hercool so she didn’t attract attention. If anyone did see her they would justthink she was the sister of the bride. It was normal for them to look crazy.She made it to their outside door where cars were now built up, people werechatting in crowds and waiters were getting the pepsi ready. Julia looked rightand left but could not see Reem. She began to walk to where they had been onlya half hour ago half knowing she would not still be there for mum hadinstructed the house guard to get her out of the vicinity .Julia continued towalk but Reem was nowhere to be seen. She continued to fetch, her eyesfrantically searching for the one person she knew had the answer. She went bythe trees that lay sleeping on the street, stalked the quiet parked cars thatwere next to them, and suddenly she saw her. Reem was in a small car parked under a largetree away from the house. Hidden, Julia could see only a side of Reem’s facebut she immediately knew it was her. Reem was crying sitting in the driver seatclearly unable to move. Julia looked around her one last time to make sure noone was watching and walked closer until she was next to her car window. She kneeledto meet her and gently tapped Reem’s window. With a startled jump the girl’seyes tightened to see who had disturbed her sadness. Reem and Julia becamemotionless for a while both letting the vastness of their troubles hold theair. Then Julia gently sat up and opened the car seat next to Reem and withoutallowing her to say no, sat near her. There was an awkward silence for a while aseach hoped for the other to say something. Julia could hear the tears that Reemwas trying to waffle. She didn’t know whether to hate her or to feel sorry forher. So much had been done to the girl but then so much she had done. Juliacould only remember Reem as Lana’s best friend they had gone to school together,college together and always with each other. Lana trusted Reem with her lifeand So did Reem with Lana. Many the times Reem would sleep over, eat with themgo to wedding parties and any family gatherings. Julia could even remember atime when mum liked Reem. But ever since Lana met Ahmed things changed. Ahmedtook of Lana’s time. She changed as a woman and Lana wanted nothing but to bewith him. Reem became jealous that Lana was distancing herself from her bestfriend but worse Reem became jealous of Ahmed. Reem had let that jealousy get so far that she had tried to allure himinto an affair. That was the day Lana caught them or rather Lana and Sam hadcaught them in Ahmed’s apartment kissing. Julia closed her eyes and forcedherself to give Reem a chance, just now to speak for since that night, 3 weeksago, no one had heard from Reem. ‘’ I’mlistening’’ Julia blurted trying to hide her maddening curiosity even though itwas blatantly obvious. Julia wondered how hard it would be to get Reem to talkso what happened next startled Julia. Reem took a deep breath and without lookingat Julia said ‘’ Julia, I’m going to tell you everything’’.

Beautfiul Nightmare part 6

2011-11-19T12:10:00.001-08:00

Beautiful Nightmarepart 6

Congratulations! Lana’saunt had already taken her by the cheeks the minute she put down the pen andtightly suffocated her instead of hugging her, while a whole long queue of womenwas forming to do the same. Lana could not feel anything. No matter how tightthey held her or wished her a happy life together, or told her how beautifulshe looked, she couldn’t feel anything. All she could feel was a stabbing painin her heart, a shock of electricity, like she was the centre of the voltage;she was in the wrong circuit. She feared to look to her ...to ...Sam who wasdoing the same thing as her, shaking hands and welcoming hugs from fathers,friends, uncles and other random strangers. All Lana wanted to do was run. Runas far as she could. Maybe if she ran far enough this beautiful nightmare wouldturn historic. But instead all she coulddo was obey the crowd who was now leading Sam and herself to their firstwedding dance. C’mon! It’s time for you two to dance together! She could feel handsholding her dress, arms, and veil as if to magically whisk her onto the dancefloor, or was it as if they knew she was not going to go voluntarily? Sam stoodup with a soft smile on his face, fixed his suit quickly and put his hand out towardsher waiting for her to take it. Lana looked at his face, then his hand and didnot look at his face again until the dance was over. He brought her to thedance floor where suddenly a hush entered the room like a new important guesthad just arrived and the soft music started. All Lana could do was let Sam leadfor she wasn’t even listening to the music she didn’t even know what song it was.Suddenly she was jolted into a space in time that shook her..... ‘’When we getmarried I’m going to choose our wedding song’’....’Excuse me? And you expect menot to know what wedding song we’re dancing to, until the day? Uuuuh, I don’t thinkso MR! In your dreams, besides I don’t trust you at all! You’ll put a rap songfor all I know!’’ Lana continued to whirlpool into memory even though it wasdoing nothing but damaging her – She remembered everything, the cafe, the coffeein front of them the way Ahmed’s eyes glistened with care, love & laughter –she remembered her smile, her happiness,her strength when she was near him . He had pulled his chair nearer and heldher face staring into her eyes and said, ‘’Yes you do trust me, you know Iwould never let anything bad happen in our wedding day and I just want it to bea beautiful surprise’’. Lana’s feet stopped moving. Sam had been almostcarrying her up to this stage. She kept looking to the floor and praying thesong would stop any second now.’ ‘What’s the matter with you? You’re so stiff’’Sam whispered. The words barely made any difference to her dying dance insteadof wedding dance. If the song didn’t finish soon she could just see herselfstop before the music did. Ahmed’s words were still pounding in her head. Sheached to know what song he would have chosen, how it felt like to dance withhim on a night like this, a night like their wedding night, how his eyes wouldhave been like and how far her smile would have stretched - now she would neverknow, she would never know any of that. Her anger towards him for what he didwas beating her heart; her undying love for him that she couldn’t stop orcontrol was killing her, and the fact she just married the wrong man begged herto scream.

Undisposable dreams 5 is the Question

2011-11-19T08:37:00.001-08:00

I have an undisposable question, One that I will never throw away, One that I will never forget, it aches me to think about it for it is so beautiful, it is so rich, its got so many minerals I am saturated with density, with nourishment just breathing the surface -

He would genuinely love a woman with all his heart and soul?
Sacrifice his life for her?
He lives to just make her happy and her the same, to love her, support her, fulfil her and her the same.

“I do not want a light relationship. I want an intense relationship. One that is at the core of my life, shapes the person that I am, and makes me whole.”

He says.

He's ready to love back more

Devote his life twicefold

Will he love her for the sake of God, the truest, purest form of love that will last forever?

En Route to.....Found

2011-11-19T08:09:00.001-08:00

Through the crevices of my day
I fall through the darkness of my dreams
My twisted genes recover madness within me
The increments of my mistakes cover all goodness inside me
A meeting of broken cries
A tone of unspoken defects diagnose my remedies
Every time I try to repair
I wear my heart away
I tear my words astray
I argue with my soul until it runs away
To be thrown back before the mess
Before the start
Before the goals
- to a devils dream
- the partnership of crime
- the source of betrayal

I worship my flaws although I hate their meanings
A primitive mind trying to advance through pain and suffering
Finding the technology of determination a great deal to handle
And so turns back to igloo frozen memories and straw hut chances
The question wriggles in my head – why have I become like this?
Unbalancing my earth and tumbling my washed conscience to dirt
Black particles of quintessential lies – make me
And I flood my soul with cries
That I was once found but now lost
Lost far away in the space of my fantasies
In the wrongs of my convicted admirations
It’s like I want to go to a Mafia paradise
So I can be gunned down from a window of my unrestrained shadow
Because I thought I as safe
When I was only in raw born danger
Stolen in time broken through the middle of my forever
I can't watch myself anymore - a film of tragedy
Hollywood freedom imprisoned behind famous guilt
Trust falters like a mischievous child under a parents stare
Crying the night after being punished
Waking with swollen eyes but at least a clean heart
Unlike my filthy heart – beating to a rhythm dirty of weakness
I don’t know who I am anymore
I don’t know what to do to make things right
I’m stuck on an elevator only able to plummet down
Down into the pits of my tears
The factory of my wasting years
Once I was fine and found
Now I’m lost without control
I’m lost without a goal
I’m lost to the great fall – of never finding myself at all.

A try of hope

2011-11-19T07:55:00.001-08:00

I’m sorry god for all the pain, when I take your name in vain
When I take for granted the kindness that you’ve given me
I feel so ashamed that I couldn’t be
Someone you could ever be proud of –

Feeling that you are angry shatters me to the core
I break within me knowing I should be more
A believer, a giver before a taker, a patient dreamer
Someone who isn’t a cheater – to the expedition of Islam

You give me all the right signs, but I insist to take the road misleading
Like a fool walking
Not knowing now where is the true way
Desiring I could find it and stay

Letting your sunrise prayers begin me
Your afternoon prayers consist me
Your late afternoons continue me
Your sunset prayer cleaning me
And your night prayer fulfilling me

Your words are the gold expensive material for the heart
Like diamonds where I cannot part, with their crisp wake to my imagination
As each letter was sent to beautify and complete this world
Encircling one promise forever told

Beads turning with the fingertips of my love
I wish that they could be strong enough to reach the one above
I beg within me they collect to design me into a girl with a dress of forgiveness
Subhan Allah, Alhamdulillah (thank you), Allahu Akbar (God, the greatest)
Please God don’t give me a face of blackness

I’m sorry for all I do wrong
I’m sorry for the bad memories I’ve hung
For all the days I wasn’t pure enough to be a Muslim
Radiating your energy into falseness so dim

Sometimes I wish I could change back time
And believe in the rhyme
‘God is watching.
Act like you know’
All my actions are like a show
And you are the honest grader – seeing how I flow

I wish I could impress you and make you be proud of me
But my film is losing as you see
As I lose my identity – to me
As I gain nothing but misery

And then I pause as floods of your hope expose me
To remembering that you are the nearest to me
And you are the forgiver so I can be – a new chance to save me
Clean again for you to see
And if I ask for your help, Inshallah you will give it to me

Echoes in my mind_ (scattered past)

2011-11-19T07:48:00.001-08:00

Broken petals in my hand

Their beauty wilted under my command

Torn between Life and death

It was a beautiful one, once filled with health

Shining natural wealth

Blending into horizons of its soul

Joining the fantasies of the wind and the call

Taking out its colour to show the world

Suddenly its energy flickered and curled

Smiles drained so easily as it saw all the tragedy

Veins ran out of flower flesh rising to

emptying kindly the serenity of its bloom

reducing into a sudden zoom of bleeding memories and a metaphor

Of things I used to be

Like a sun in the night

Health after death

Dreaming of a reality

Softness in the storm

Compilations I do not understand

and old story always new

2011-11-19T07:42:00.001-08:00

I need to fill in the blanks
So I can cross the planks
I forget what I wanted and how much I needed it
I'm back to square minus 1
even though I need to get to circle 30

Lying somewhere in the galaxy
It's such a long journey
Of motivation to proceeed through the pain
And something pulls me back
My demons that I pack

To take with me in my heavy luggage
I forget my dreams, my romance, my desires
Filled with aspirations and spirals
Here love never retires
But here tears inspire ... me to continue

Lacerations of a family so wounded
I imagine better days not scorned
Stronger days not torn
Pieces that come together and stick forever

I imagine a family with happier perfusions
Not this torn infusion
Of a sentimental lie
What is it that I want,
How is it that I achieve

I need to excersise my emotions like a muscle
Train them to be thinner
Make them feed less on reality and fantasy
Let them do sit ups to firm up so everything feels beautiful and light

I need to train myself to change, to re- arrange
The corners of my time to make circles
The roads must meet yet trains of thought must never collide
Because I need to reach my destination
Ride through all the deprivations
Roll through smooth imaginations

I must remember my promises so I dont turn into someone that I lied to
I must keep them flash in the dark and have a fire in them so they spark
To show me the way - How I pray
I must remember my promises - otherwise I will dissappear into a lie
I will be written with invisible dye
That no-one will memorise

I will forget who I am -
I will rain on my shadows till I become one dimensional
I will hurt myself and not save myself
I need to be infatuated with my soul
I need to be in Love with my heart
I need to be connected with my eyes
I need to be determined to survive
I need to keep my promises alive

Undisposable dreams 3

2011-11-19T07:31:00.001-08:00

..... I hope that I find him, and if I do that he loves for who I am... I would love to love him, his brown eyes would hypnotise me and I would tell and show him everyday the vast quantity of my love
......This is a poem or something but I am in a very in love mood. The problem is when I am like this, I cannot concentrate on anything else, no matter how hard I try,
....... I wish I find him soon.
Let him be sensual and exotic, romantic and hypnotic, Safe and Muslim, perfect Muslim in this hard world, let him love me, my senses, feelings, words and emotions, let him love my shape, my eyes, my touch, let him love my dreams, my imaginations, let him love me. Let him be kind to me. And in return, I Will give up my life for him...let him be, and let us be together for all magnitudes in time ,

So long ago 4

2011-11-19T07:27:00.001-08:00

they all trick me

beginning with myself

the angels and the sky

they all lie

starting with family, friends and any other people

they all say things they dont mean

most bestowed upon ,.by

myself

for i have tricked myself everyday and certainly everynight

I have tricked myself

daily

and now feeling the affects of it

continously

as a deep and ill grudge in the pit of my stomach

i feel heavy

i feel bland

i feel

cornered amidst what pain previals

i feel down

i feel dizzy

i feel

nothing like what i want or should be

or worse

what people think of me

So long ago 3

2011-11-19T07:23:00.001-08:00

I have to stop this nonsense

there are too many cycles in my head

running and cycling in imaginary ticking mistakes

but you never talk nonsense...

god i do,

I do

falling in your arms

you hold me but there is no love there

there is nothing to hold on to

for real

for life

you let me look at you

but i cannot see a thing

i cannot melt into your eyes

or feel your hands

or know your dreams

i just look at invisible fields and rollercoasters of emotion

all blowing in the wind

flying so far away from me

storming out of my goodness and into my hate

becoming my hatred

my regrets

my disasters

I am so shocked at my intense anger

my intense fear

my intense

loneliness

my intense sacrifices

my intense changes

my intense commitment to nothing

my intense love for something

my intense nonsense

She has realised, her life has dissappeared

2011-11-19T07:14:00.001-08:00

It's amazing how things can go so wrong from no body but myself

I live in a world where I am healthy and happy independant

sane

well

evenafter all my craziness

I'm still ok

I 'm romantic and sexy

I have so many ideas and dreams

all that can come true just in different times and dates

I feel like Im a speeding train going so fast

in the wrong direction

and its not stopping

Im watching the scenery run fly by me

things that i want

things that i can achieve

-(you know I jsut realised im watching this series on Abu Dhabi Tv called, Ma Malakat Aymanikum) means - what your soul owns

and there is this charachter called 3alya - a girl whose life has dissappeared

it started with a mistake - getting money for one affair so she could buy a wheelchair for her sick dad

then the bad woman who helped her started to threaten her she would tell everyone

then another man came along ( whom she wouldnt have known if not for following that bad woman who is pushing her to do things)

and he wants her

he chases her to have an affair with him

she refuses

so the only way to get out in her eyes is to get properly married

so she allows her mums friends to engage her and she gets married

and travels to an arab country where she discovers

her husband is already married with three kids. so he only comes to her once every month or so

and shes left alone

with the housemaid who is watching her every move

she keeps chatting online
first with her old girlfriends from school

then meets a new man online who she thinks is perfect

she relaxes to him thinks she's in love

she thinks maybe this is her way out , she is prepared to leave the lonely relationship she is in now

she tells him her story

he's ok with it
they decide to meet

she goes to meet him

she discovers he's a 70 year old disgusting man

she just has a nervous breakdown on the street
cries and cries and cries and runs away

her story ends with her just crying and crying and crying on the edge of a street , falling next to a side lamp looking at everyone walk and pass her by, nobody interested in her, looking at the sky listening to the road and busy cars but not hearing anything

Not hearing anything

She has realised , Her life has dissappeared
little by little by little she cut away from her life until she suddenly realised it was all gone

nothing was left

she was crying because there was nothing left

there was nothing to cry for

I could see her pain
I felt her pain
A part of me felt I was grieving like her
A part of me wanted to enter into that tv screen and cry like her
for in that moment in time

we were equal in pain

reminiscing forgiveness

2011-11-19T06:49:00.001-08:00

God I have so much to say

From an empty place

from a broken heart

I have so much to give

and live

for

God I have so much to say

and pray

I know sometimes I do all wrong

and I am not strong

but if I do not return

If I do not understand

that I am losing the good part in me

then I am a dissapointment to the skies

as I looked I felt failure and distortion of mind

I felt weakenss

and mad embarassment

like ive never felt before

and i thought

is this how everyhtings been feeling

how they look down and see me

so angry

for nothing

so mean

for nothing

so intimidating

for nothing

So long ago 2

2011-11-19T05:52:00.001-08:00

I want to do something for my religion, before its too late

give it faithful gifts of purity I want to be the best I can be

I want to be happy and proud of solid attributes to the quest of mastering peace

I want to be imaginatively strong and conquering the world of my own dramaz

I want to be inspired by the words of god - loving and living

becoming the one hero of truth and good thingz

i want to be renewed

and allured into protecting myself from soulz madness

time runs and spinz around until suddenly no more

tell me

where will you be then

when no more comz???

So long ago 1

2011-11-19T05:44:00.001-08:00

So long ago It seems

I had a lot of words

they were like swords

I could use them to fight

or to write

what I wanted

nothing was halted

through pen or paper

or computer

or laser eyes

screening memories and tries

I could connect with my inside codes

invent new modes

to say how I feel

To be continued.....

as I looked up to the sky... more than 2 years ago

2011-11-19T05:42:00.001-08:00

The only one who can limit you is yourself

I can do that

when god gives me the world

and opens the future with a golden key

when god offers me love, help, freedom and happiness

I am still lost

WHY?

can i not just , STOP, take a deep breath and start again - but keep it real

with gratitude and strength

I need to never give in

and not be selfish

God has not been anything but kind

he is so kind

so kind

as i sat there - I looked to the sky and thanked him

so hard

because he had given me a place right here , right now

and i was romantic for that

that was romance and passion

not...this

this is wrong permission of an unforgiving kind

I am unforgiving to myself

I am .... wrong

__________

I am...pieces of broken glass
By the mother land of anger
I am...broken into tiny pieces and returned
What am I to do now?
Forgive?
Forget?
Remember?
Be well
Be kind
There is a limit to how kind can I be
Though and it is hard
I can’t understand why it is so bad
Why it is deep
Why it is so ....true?
I don’t know
It shouldn’t be so difficult
It should not be

everything is off

2011-11-19T05:33:00.001-08:00

My heart is in the wrong place

SO when I look at myself in the mirror

see

a stolen face

losteyes

broken wrinkles

chapped lips

drying goodness

dirty cleanliness

my heart is in the wrong place

like a far away hole filled with escapades of killing memories

nearer

I feel like a wall is between me and all that I want

I feel like a mad wall keeps getting bigger

darkening mylife

I have so much dreams

SO much good in me

I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me

that kills me

that makes me losesight of everything and get pulled back 20 light years way from confidence

dont know what to say

everything is off everything

here i am deep down wishing for a different shape in everyhting and a different mind set

ie asking for a new me

so that everyone

even the cloesest to me can stop this madness

when i know that is all wrong

for as long as i hate myself

as long as i dont know myself

its all wrong