In an alleyway behind the nile_ forever gone

Here I am forever on still wondering about the alleyway behind the nile
I stop thinking I forget I want something else I hate I ignore
and then I remember -
I remember the years, the car window I used to rest my shoulders on , a young girl with lots of imagination and sweet love and beautiful things to give , untarnished, unbroken and so very urgently happy, as I travelled through bridges to reach parts of khartoum I only cared about the journey for it led me to him -
I prayed and prayed and prayed by his name directly by his name alone I prayed he would be mine I prayed and prayed he would be mine with no fear with no consequences with a thousand whispers as I could enter and as many prayers I thought the angels could carry
 I really believe and I am certain I was madly in love for summers I thought only of him for summers I died to go to him lived to be near him embarrassed myself a million times got misunderstood a million more I dreamt of him, thought of him asked for him even told people about him and then one summer
things changed
I changed
and I forgot I started to want something else i hated and I ignored
i became selfish distant and broken by too many dreams, I started the journey Im still on today
suddenly my poetry started my words spilled out of me like an uncontrolled love about loves I thought I felt and wanted and knew,

I became insufficient for the first dream
I became insufficient for the first time
and he realised that even if he didnt need to
and he understood that even if I didnt
and he moved on even if I didnt care
and he moved on even if nothing changed 
and now here  I am many summers on
closing my eyes and wishing I didnt throw him away
or wishing I didnt throw my good dreams away
I wish I held on to them
and didnt forget all those prayers and I spent so much time praying as I rested my shoulders crossing a bridge in the middle of khartoum
 __________________________________________________
he, in an alleyway behind the nile and I across the oceans somewhere
there is nothing but nothing between us
there is everything but love between us
I havnt seen him for many summers now
i havnt heard his voice or reasoned with myself why things have turned so invisibly bad
so many years
he is a beautiful ghost now
he is a beautiful twist in the boring story of my tragedy
I consoled myself by ignoring him
by wishing on others

by pretending to love others
by maybe really loving others

I dont know I'm so far in this series I dont even know what episode or what drama is the truth anymore

I feel like I jsut want to pack my bags and go
go far away
and end this series

but before I end this series
there is something in my heart that I cannot let go
In an alleyway behind the nile I hid a hidden treasure that I absolutely adore and desire
but i didnt hide it well and now its been discovered
and others want it
others are talking about it
and I cannot talk about it, I cannot ever want it , want it back, desire it or ask for it ever again

I deserve to lose this treasure , I deserve it to be taken away
i deserve it to be gone
I deserve it to be done this way

before I end this series there is something I must write and say
there are not enough words to say how sorry I am for not remembering him
for not keeping him and him alone
fornot proving to god I wanted him and him alone
for not standing by him
if I had done that I would have been fine
I would have been grand
I would have been perfect
I would be alive with one pure love
rather than be accummulated with all these unnecessary pains
If i had done that this blog would be different
these poems would be beautiful they would be
meaningful
like this one
this poem may be the only poem that I truly mean
that I truly truly mean

before I I end this series there is something I must promise myself
I will never write about the man in the alleyway behind the nile ever again
I will never write about him
no matter how many new words that come my way about him
I willl never write him
and how I feel about him and I will never relive again those beautiful summers
 the best thing i can do,
is not mix him up in my muddled heart, he doesnt deserve my ugly soul and body
 the best thing I can ever give  , ever ever give
is the key I have to the treasure I hid in an alleyway behind the nile
and let someone else

open it.